Banksying vs. Ghosting: Colette Jane Fehr on Modern Dating
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/10/28
Colette Jane Fehr is a couples therapist and relationship expert providing practical, compassionate guidance to help partners rebuild trust, improve communication, and resolve conflict. She works with dating, engaged, and married couples, as well as individuals seeking to transform relational patterns. In private practice at Colette Jane Fehr Relationship Expert, she blends attachment informed, trauma aware, and evidence based strategies tailored to each client’s goals. Focus areas include intimacy, boundaries, life transitions, and repair after betrayal. Colette contributes commentary on relationships and modern dating and is available for media interviews and workshops and conferences.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Why do people engage in “banksying”?
Colette Jane Fehr: Most people who banksy aren’t trying to be cruel, they’re trying to dodge a hard conversation. They rationalize fading with a softer exit as less hurtful, but it’s really about avoiding their own discomfort. There’s nothing kind about basking and the irony is that by trying not to hurt someone, they actually cause more harm through ambiguity.
Jacobsen: How does it differ from ghosting?
Fehr: Ghosting is an abrupt cut off. One minute you’re talking, the next there’s radio silence. Banksying is slower and sneakier: texts get shorter, plans fall through, the energy drops. And because it’s gradual, the person left behind stays stuck in limbo, confused, struggling to figure out what’s happening. It’s ghosting in slow motion and it can be just as painful.
Jacobsen: What are the psychological effects of being “banksied”?
Fehr: It can trigger anxiety, self-doubt, a feeling of being gaslit, and a deep sense of rejection. You’re not sure if something is wrong or if you’re just imagining it. That uncertainty creates cognitive dissonance, which means you’re trying to make sense of mixed signals while your nervous system is stuck stays on high alert. The lack of closure makes it harder to heal because you’re stuck questioning what really happened.
Jacobsen: What does this trend say about modern dating and emotional accountability?
Fehr: It reflects a bigger problem in the modern dating world: we’re losing our tolerance for emotional discomfort and we’re de-humanizing people and their feelings. Dating apps and constant access to new people make it easy to treat relationships like disposable experiences. But relationships require communication, consideration, and emotional maturity. If we keep choosing avoidance over accountability, we don’t just hurt other people, we stunt our own relational growth.
Jacobsen: How can someone recognize banksying early and protect their emotional health?
Fehr: Watch for inconsistency and pay attention to your gut. If someone’s energy shifts their messages get vague, or the warmth fades, that’s your cue. Don’t ignore your gut feeling. Address it directly and maturely: I’ve noticed the energy shift between us. Is eventing okay? If they avoid the question, don’t beg for clarity. You deserve directness and mutual effort. If you’re constantly trying to decode someone’s behavior, that’s already your answer.
Jacobsen: What advice do you have for people tempted to banksy someone else?
Fehr: Say the thing. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But having a short, honest conversation is an act of respect. You don’t need a long explanation, just a simple, “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t see this going further.” That’s how you build emotional integrity. You don’t have to keep dating someone, but you do have to take ownership of how you end it.
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Colette.
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