Modern Dating: More Intentional While Long-Term Commitments Decline
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/07/25
Emma Hathorn is a Dating Expert at Seeking.com, specializing in online dating, luxury relationships, and modern dating trends. She offers insights on age-gap dynamics, dating safety, and emotional connection. Frequently featured in major media outlets, she helps singles navigate relationships with clarity, confidence, and elevated standards. Hathorn discusses modern dating trends, including increased intentionality, declining marriage rates, and evolving relationship norms. They explore emotional hope, societal pressures, the timing of physical intimacy, and learning from failed dates. Hathorn emphasizes personal happiness, authenticity, and adaptability as keys to navigating today’s complex dating landscape with confidence and grace.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Do you feel that people are more intentional about dating now? That it has become more of an “event”? At the same time, long-term institutionalized relationships like marriage are declining. Do you think people are looking for some middle ground—like dating for five years and then opting for a renewal instead of a lifelong commitment?
Emma Hathorn: I do not know. I think people still go in with hope—that there is a soulmate connection waiting out there for them. Even though we are quite jaded and overexposed to media and dating culture, there is still a deep-rooted hope.
From what I have seen—especially through Seeking—that hope is real. Seeking has rebranded, and it’s interesting because the founder met his wife through the platform. They got married, and he waived his right to a divorce. They’re married permanently now.
Jacobsen: That’s powerful. He eliminated his exit strategy.
Hathorn: I love that there’s still romance in the idea of forever. I love that hope—what if this is the right person? What if you can grow together and adapt to life’s many changes? And I think that’s the dream.
Jacobsen: So, you can kind of grow old and die together like The Notebook.
Hathorn: Yes, that’s how it should be.
Jacobsen: Isn’t that the ideal? Although The Notebook felt like it had half a dozen different endings.
Hathorn: Wait, which one?
Jacobsen: The Notebook. It kept trying to end—just pick one!
Hathorn: Stop breaking up the emotional momentum.
Jacobsen: It was a good movie, but seriously—I wasn’t asking the woman what she wanted; I was asking the film: What do you want? What were you doing, movie?
Hathorn: I think because we’re constantly exposed to overwhelming media, especially online—so much negativity, so much noise—it’s comforting to believe that something good is still possible. That maybe there’s someone who complements you perfectly. I think people still go into online dating with that hope, and that’s what makes it exciting.
Jacobsen: What’s your favourite part about giving relationship advice?
Hathorn: Honestly, I just love talking to people. I’m naturally curious. I’ve always been fascinated by relationships. How people connect is endlessly interesting to me.
Jacobsen: What about people who face external judgment? Say their family or society disapproves of who they’re dating—whether it’s due to religion, politics, ethnicity, age gap, education, or finances. How do people navigate those social or cultural barriers?
Hathorn: That’s one of the hardest situations to navigate. You can’t live your life for other people. No matter how much you care about them—even if they believe they have your best interests at heart—they’re projecting their values onto you. At some point, you have to prioritize your happiness.
Unfortunately, there aren’t always structures in place to protect individuals who deviate from those expectations, and many suffer as a result. Some even avoid pursuing a relationship and end up questioning what might have been. That decision—whether to take the risk—can only be made by the individual in that context.
Even in something as simple as an age gap relationship, women hear things like, “He’s far too old for you” or “You’recrazy.” But if you connect with someone, that’s what matters. It is your decision.
It’s a society that’s shaping the perception of that person—and of you for being with them. But ultimately, you should choose yourself. That takes courage. The same goes for queer relationships, which are still heavily stigmatized in many places.
There’s not always a clear path forward. You either go for it, or you don’t. You could keep it a secret, but that usually ends up causing more harm than good.
Jacobsen: I think that’s why American gay men tend to be often so self-assured.
Hathorn: Yes, because they had to fight for it. They’ve claimed it.
Jacobsen: I am not an expert in this, but let’s say someone goes into a date with the kind of intentionality we’ve been discussing. The date goes well—they’re both attracted, there’s chemistry—and they go back to one of their places. Things escalate. Should that be a consideration if someone’s looking for a long-term connection?
In other words, if someone has a conscious path toward commitment or something serious, should physical intimacy on the first date be seen as a barrier? There’s so much advice out there—”Make them wait 90 days,” or “Don’t have sex until…”—but rarely any rationale behind it.
Hathorn: Ah, I see. Yes—about whether people should “wait.”
Jacobsen: Should people follow that advice? Or is there any real basis for it? How should someone navigate that moment if they feel a strong connection and are also looking for something long-term?
Hathorn: I don’t believe there’s a one-size-fits-all answer to that. It depends on the connection. If things unfold naturally and both people are on the same page—why not follow that energy and see where it goes? Sometimes, people do connect quickly, and the chemistry is undeniable.
Don’t deny yourself an experience just because of some arbitrary rule like “start fast, end fast.” That’s not universally true. It depends on the connection, the communication, and the mutual respect between two adults.
I am not saying “love at first sight” is always real, but powerful connections can absolutely happen on a first date—and sometimes they include physical intimacy. Flexibility and open communication are essential. Make sure it aligns with both of your boundaries. You’re adults—you should be able to decide that without imposed timelines.
Jacobsen: What’s another great quote you like?
Hathorn: I only have the one I already shared—that’s my favourite.
Jacobsen: Just one? That’s like a very sparse fridge.
Hathorn: There’s a Japanese word that comes to mind—one that’s often used in dating: shogunate. It means “let it be” or “it can’t be helped.” It’s like saying, “Shake it off.”
Jacobsen: Like Taylor Swift—Shake it off.
Hathorn: That’s a helpful mindset to bring into dating. If you have a bad date, just go, “Ah well, it happens.”
Jacobsen: It’s not a reflection on you, not necessarily on them.
Hathorn: Precisely. It’s going to happen.
Jacobsen: The crazy thing is—it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault. It’s a good lesson. There’s always something to take from a bad date. But we should not be overly optimistic and pretend a bad date is not unpleasant—it often is, by definition.
Hathorn: A bad date is just that—a bad date.
Jacobsen: Like a bad day. It is kind of “cringe-light.”
Hathorn: Yes! Cringe light is the perfect way to put it. But you know what? It tells you exactly what you do not want. You walk away thinking, “Okay, I’m never going to say that again,” and you aim to do better next time.
Jacobsen: That’s a really good insight—it tells you what you do not want. So even a bad date can be educational.
Hathorn: Sometimes, the thing that made it a bad date was something you originally thought you did want. But then you experience it in context and realize, “Actually, this doesn’t work for me. That felt off.”
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Emma.
Hathorn: Thank you so much. It was so nice meeting you—it was such a good conversation.
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