Trauma, Emotional Repair, and Real Connection: A Conversation with Therapist Kaitlyn Steel
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/10/26
Part 2 of 2
Kaitlyn Steel, LMFT, EFCT Certified, and CCTP, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist through the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT). She is also a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Based at Keystone Therapy Group in Virginia, where she serves as a Board-Approved Supervisor, Kaitlyn provides both in-person and virtual therapy to clients across Virginia and New York. Her practice centers on emotional connection, attachment theory, and trauma-informed care, helping couples and individuals strengthen communication, repair ruptures, and build secure, resilient relationships grounded in empathy and authenticity. More info here: https://keystonetherapygroup.com/kaitlyn-steel/.
In this conversation, Scott Douglas Jacobsen and Steel talk about how trauma shapes perception and communication in relationships. Steel explains that trauma can cause people to misread emotional cues—becoming either hypervigilant or numb—and to interpret their feelings as unshakable truth. She highlights how this can trap couples in cycles of misunderstanding, where perception feels like fact. The discussion also turns to healing: keeping communication simple, leading with empathy, and cooling emotional “boiling water” before clarity returns. Steel’s practical wisdom centers on the nervous system’s role in love—how physiology, safety, and repair form the true foundation of intimacy.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: So most people, most of the time, are calm. They have a reasonably objective sense of what’s happening interpersonally. But people who’ve experienced trauma can go one of two ways—hypervigilant or numb. In either case, they’re not reading the situation accurately. They’re either over-reading or under-reading the emotional tone. Sometimes, one pattern shows up more in women and the other in men. How does that trauma response affect someone in their intimate life—say, when they’re just having a regular fight or disagreement?
Kaitlyn Steel: It creates a lot of confusion. When someone has experienced trauma—especially relational trauma, which often comes from childhood—their nervous system learns to survive by making very rapid assessments of danger. Their brain says, “I need to know what’s happening right now so I can stay safe.”
So if they smell something familiar, hear a certain tone, see a particular expression, their body reacts as if the past danger is happening again. They make a fast assessment, and in their mind, that assessment is true. It’s not just a feeling; it’s factto them.
That’s why it’s so hard to convince someone otherwise. You can’t just reason it away, because the reaction is deeply tied to survival. If their body once kept them alive by reading subtle cues, they trust those cues more than words.
This shows up in fights all the time. Think of a couple arguing—one says something that lands wrong or comes out harsher than intended. For most people, you can walk it back: “I didn’t mean it like that.” But for someone with trauma, that’s not possible. What they felt is the truth. What they heard is the truth. And now you’re not fighting about the original issue—you’re fighting about whose reality is correct.
One partner says, “That’s not what I meant.” The other says, “I don’t care what you meant. That’s how it felt.” The first says, “Then how can I make it better?” And suddenly, no one’s talking about the dishes or the tone or the text—they’re trapped in a loop of defending perception.
Jacobsen: In relationship theory, if both people are operating from a win–lose mentality, the relationship itself loses.
Steel: Exactly. If you’re focused on being right, you both lose. The partner with trauma isn’t being manipulative or controlling; they’re trying to survive. But that survival response can look like control or criticism because it’s defensive.
Often both partners carry their own trauma, and they end up in a cycle where neither feels safe. Each person’s nervous system keeps scanning for threat, trying to protect itself, without realizing that’s what’s happening. It becomes automatic.
You’ll hear someone say, “If my partner would just stop squinting like that, I wouldn’t feel attacked.” But it’s not about the squint—it’s about the inner alarm system interpreting signals through a lens of danger.
The body’s saying, “I’ve seen this before. Protect yourself.” Even if the situation is entirely different.
Jacobsen: Most therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists seem to have what I call “IKEA quotes” — the neatly framed, mass-produced wisdom bits hanging somewhere in their office. Some prefer Rumi, others Jung or Freud, maybe an Adlerian or two. What are your go-to sayings when it comes to healing relationships — and staying realistic about the fact that we’re still animals in bodies? We can’t escape physiology.
Steel: My quotes aren’t from big theorists, actually. They’re more practical.
One I use often with clients is the acronym KISS — “Keep it simple, stupid.” Though I drop the “stupid” part; it doesn’t help anyone. I just say, “Keep it simple.” When things get overwhelming, focus on what’s really happening right now. What are you feeling? What are you actually trying to say? What’s your body doing? The more we chase details, the faster we spiral down unhelpful rabbit holes.
Another quote I love is from Theodore Roosevelt: “Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care.” It’s timeless. In relationships, if you’re arguing the facts but your partner doesn’t feel cared for, the facts won’t matter. Emotional connection always comes first.
And one more — I don’t know who said it originally — but it’s something like: “You can’t see your reflection in boiling water. You also can’t see clearly when you’re angry.” That one sticks with people. When emotions are overheated, perception distorts. You have to let things cool before you can really understand each other again.
Jacobsen: That’s really good. I especially like that last one. Thank you for your time today.
Steel: Thank you, I appreciate it.
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