Banksying in Modern Dating: Insights from Lorene Cowan and Madeline Trenholm on Ghosting’s New Evolution
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/10/26
Lorene Cowan is a certified matchmaker, entrepreneurial life strategist, and founder of Yoke, the innovative dating app designed for ambitious professionals seeking meaningful connections. She is the author of The Yoke Experiment, a groundbreaking book that applies entrepreneurial tools like strategy, metrics, and vision to modern dating. Through her coaching company, Entrepreneurial Success Lab, Lorene helps entrepreneurs align love, life, and business without burnout. A sought-after speaker and media voice, she blends emotional intelligence with business insight, guiding people to build legacy-driven relationships and purpose-driven careers. Her mission bridges personal growth with professional ambition. More here: https://www.wemetonyoke.com/.
Madeline Trenholm, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed psychotherapist and the founder of Maddy Trenholm Counseling in Minneapolis, Minnesota. She specializes in helping clients overcome perfectionism, burnout, trauma, anxiety, and performance blocks through evidence-based approaches, including EMDR. With professional experience spanning private practice and international work, Maddy supports individuals from diverse backgrounds—whether athletes seeking mental performance strategies or parents striving for balance and resilience. Her practice emphasizes compassionate, client-centered therapy focused on reconnecting people with purpose, self-worth, and emotional strength. She is dedicated to guiding clients toward sustainable healing and personal growth.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: As a certified matchmaker and founder of the upcoming dating app Yoke, you’ve observed trends like “banksying.” Why do you think this behavior has emerged in modern dating?
Lorene Cowan: Banksying is essentially ghosting with a longer fuse. It often stems from emotional avoidance—people want out, but fear confrontation, guilt, or the discomfort of expressing disinterest. So they fade slowly: slower replies, fewer plans, vaguer engagement. It gives the illusion of “not being that bad,” when in reality, it prolongs confusion and pain.
In today’s swipe culture, where people are overwhelmed with options and often lack relational skills, this behavior becomes a way to exit quietly while avoiding responsibility.
Jacobsen: What effect does being “banksied” have on the person left behind?
Cowan: Being “banksied” can feel like emotional gaslighting. The relationship doesn’t end with clarity; it erodes. That ambiguity can lead to obsessive overthinking: Did I imagine the connection? Did I say something wrong? Should I follow up again?
Unlike ghosting, which at least provides a harsh finality, banksying keeps hope alive just long enough to erode self-trust and confidence.
Jacobsen: What does this reveal about modern dating culture overall?
Cowan: Banksying reflects our collective discomfort with honesty in relationships. We’ve created an environment where people fear being “the bad guy,” so they choose the passive exit. But avoidance is still an action; it just lacks integrity. The irony? Many who banksy don’t want to be ghosted themselves.
This trend also highlights the growing need for emotional maturity in dating, not just chemistry or convenience.
Jacobsen: For someone who might suspect they’re experiencing this, what are the early signs of banksying?
Cowan: How to Spot It Early
Some early red flags:
A noticeable shift in tone or frequency of communication
Vague excuses or chronic “busyness” without rescheduling
Energy that feels non-committal or distracted
If the connection feels like it’s slowly slipping without explanation, you might be experiencing banksying.
Jacobsen: And for those who might be tempted to banksy instead of giving closure, what would you advise?
Cowan: If you’re considering fading out, ask yourself: What conversation am I avoiding, and why?
Ending things with kindness and clarity not only respects the other person but also shows self-respect. Closure doesn’t have to be dramatic. A simple, direct message can prevent someone from internalizing unnecessary hurt.
Jacobsen: Why do you think some people choose this approach rather than addressing relationship issues directly?
Madeline Trenholm: Banksying appears to be a longer form of ghosting. People who have had childhood trauma or prior stressful relationships and breakups may crave a relationship, but fear long term commitment. For some people it can be a sense of control knowing that they were the ones to end the relationship rather than be broken up with.
Jacobsen: What role does conflict avoidance play in this behavior?
Trenholm: Additionally, some people fear conflict and rather than discussing issues and seeing them as a natural part of relationships, may see problems as meaning the relationship is not working and are afraid to address the issues and see ‘banksying’ as a solution to this and a gentle letdown, indicating that dating these days are more and more leaning towards avoidance as a solution to problems.
Jacobsen: How should someone respond if they notice their partner may be withdrawing in this way?
Trenholm: If someone is noticing their partner may be withdrawing, it’s important to address this right away but in a noncritical way and state their needs and start a conversation. Conversely, if someone is noticing the urge to “banksy” their partner, they should also reflect on if their relationship is really that problematic and dig deep on what is causing this urge—whether a fear of conflict or something else. It’s also important to attempt at problem solving and if a breakup is in order, then being clear and direct is kind.
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Lorene and Madeline.
Last updated May 3, 2025. These terms govern all In-Sight Publishing content—past, present, and future—and supersede any prior notices. In-Sight Publishing by Scott Douglas Jacobsen is licensed under a Creative Commons BY‑NC‑ND 4.0; © In-Sight Publishing by Scott Douglas Jacobsen 2012–Present. All trademarks, performances, databases & branding are owned by their rights holders; no use without permission. Unauthorized copying, modification, framing or public communication is prohibited. External links are not endorsed. Cookies & tracking require consent, and data processing complies with PIPEDA & GDPR; no data from children < 13 (COPPA). Content meets WCAG 2.1 AA under the Accessible Canada Act & is preserved in open archival formats with backups. Excerpts & links require full credit & hyperlink; limited quoting under fair-dealing & fair-use. All content is informational; no liability for errors or omissions: Feedback welcome, and verified errors corrected promptly. For permissions or DMCA notices, email: scott.jacobsen2025@gmail.com. Site use is governed by BC laws; content is “as‑is,” liability limited, users indemnify us; moral, performers’ & database sui generis rights reserved.
In-Sight Publishing 