Stephen Frost on Cross-Cultural Matchmaking, Shinto Intuition, and Building Authentic Relationships in Japan

Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen

Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry

Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/08/01

Part 2 of 2

Stephen Frost, founder of Marriage Matching in Osaka, Japan, shares his expertise on international matchmaking grounded in authenticity, intuitive insight, and cross-cultural understanding. In conversation with Scott Douglas Jacobsen, Frost explores how unconscious processing, values alignment, and effective communication drive lasting relationships. Drawing from Japanese cultural contexts like Shinto and structured practices such as omiai, he emphasizes the importance of trusting gut instinct, navigating change, and communicating openly. Frost also reflects on the geopolitical shift toward logic over intuition, and how emotional honesty and respect allow relationships to evolve or end gracefully. His insights offer a roadmap to meaningful, global connection.

Stephen Frost, founder of Marriage Matching in Osaka, Japan, shares his expertise on international matchmaking rooted in authenticity, self-awareness, and psychological insight. Frost discusses how self-esteem and unconscious processing shape dating dynamics, why gut instinct and shared values matter more than surface traits, and how structured introductions like omiai foster genuine connection. Drawing from real-world experience, he explores the psychology of compatibility, the dangers of inauthentic behavior, and how open, respectful communication enables long-term relationship success—especially across cultures. The interview offers a practical, thoughtful roadmap to finding love in a globalized world.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Are there different cultural interpretations of that? For instance, how would someone in Perth, Australia experience this compared to someone in Tokyo or Kyoto, Japan?

Stephen Frost: On a societal level, many people are taught to focus on logic and rational thinking. That emphasis is not necessarily tied to one specific culture—it’s more of a modern, global trend. However, when we look specifically at Japan, there’s a unique spiritual underpinning that comes into play.

The predominant indigenous spiritual system here is Shinto. While it faded in influence for a time, it has been making a significant comeback. In Shinto, there’s a belief that everything is connected—everything has spirit, or kami. So a rock is not just a rock. It has its own energy, and it is connected to you in a way that transcends conscious communication.

You may not be able to consciously or even unconsciously interact with it in a conventional sense, but on a deeper, sub-level—this is where some draw parallels with concepts in quantum mechanics—everything is interconnected. This worldview contrasts sharply with most Western frameworks, which tend to view objects and people as distinct, separate entities.

So when we talk about gut instinct or intuition in the Japanese context, it’s often related to this deeper idea of spiritual and energetic connection. You might not know where a signal or feeling is coming from, but you know you are receiving something—and that something matters.

In contrast, in Western systems—and increasingly even within Japanese society—there’s a push to rely on logic and to move away from intuition. People are taught to analyze rather than feel. This shift has made it harder for some individuals to trust or even recognize their gut instincts.

Jacobsen: That sounds like more than just a cultural issue. Is this also geopolitical in scope?

Frost: Absolutely. On a broader geopolitical level, there’s been a long-standing institutional push to train people to think more logically and less intuitively. That is not inherently bad, of course. You do not want people making emotionally driven decisions all the time. Rational thought is essential, especially in public life, business, and governance.

But there are situations—particularly in high-stakes environments—where gut instinct can be more reliable than conscious logic. You see this especially in fields like day trading or military combat. Speak to experienced traders or combat veterans, and many will describe moments when they had an overwhelming instinct to take a certain action. They could not explain why in the moment, but afterward, it was clear that their decision was right.

When it comes to relationships, this becomes even more relevant. People are trying to find an ideal life partner. The number of variables involved in achieving that kind of alignment is massive. I would not go so far as to call it infinite, but it certainly approaches an uncountable range—because most of it is happening below the level of conscious awareness.

Gut instinct plays a major role. People might not be able to articulate why they feel drawn to someone, but that does not make it any less valid. Often, it is the unconscious mind doing the heavy lifting—assessing compatibility, filtering for shared values, and responding to subtle cues that logic alone might miss.

When you’re working at a coaching level—especially during a values elicitation for someone, whether it’s related to relationships or another part of their life—you’re aiming to uncover their top ten most important values. That process can take time. There are other values that fall just below those top ten, which are still meaningful, but they do not carry the same weight. Then, from those value systems, belief systems emerge—and alignment in those beliefs is equally important in a long-term relationship.

Consider this: if someone is in their twenties, they already have two decades of life experience, choices, learned behaviors, belief structures, and values. Truly getting to know someone at that level of depth takes a long time. But in modern dating—where people often only have a few dates to assess compatibility—most of that information cannot be accessed consciously. You simply do not have enough time.

Now, if the person is in their thirties, forties, or beyond, they have even more life experience. They have made more decisions, encountered more situations, and refined their understanding of what they value in a partner. This adds further complexity to their internal makeup, and consequently, finding alignment becomes more challenging.

So what happens? You have to rely on the unconscious. You have to trust that gut instinct—that internal sense that tells you whether there’s alignment or not.

Jacobsen: What if everything seems planned right—good intentions, matching profiles—but the interaction starts off awkward or disconnected? How can someone reset the course appropriately?

Frost: That always comes down to communication. And it is one of the reasons communication is consistently listed among the top three most important factors in any successful relationship.

If people are open and honest with one another—and if there’s also love and mutual respect—then they can usually find a path forward together. People often talk about compromise, but there is a misconception around that word. To many, “compromise” means that one person must give up something important and simply conform to the other person’s wishes. But that is not true compromise.

Effective communication leads to mutual understanding. And in strong relationships, what you often see resembles skilled negotiation—both people making subtle shifts in their beliefs and expectations so they can create unity and harmony together.

Sometimes, people hold on to past emotional baggage, old patterns, or fears that disrupt new relationships. They may be afraid of certain things repeating—so they project those fears into the current situation and act in ways intended to avoid them. Ironically, those very actions can actually bring about the outcome they feared.

Clear, calm communication—not just honest, but calm and clear—is essential. It allows both people to navigate through challenges and find ways to grow together. As long as love and respect are present, there is usually a path forward.

And it is important to remember: people are constantly evolving. We are changing all the time—sometimes in ways we do not even notice. Just walking down the street, taking in new sights, having new thoughts, reflecting on past experiences—all of that subtly reshapes how we think, what we value, and how we connect.

When you read a book or watch a movie, those experiences can amplify or diminish different elements within your belief structures. When larger life events happen—accidents, major transitions, or truly life-changing moments—you often see more significant shifts in a person’s behavior and outlook. These shifts are noticeable at the conscious level, both to the individual and those around them.

But the truth is, the mind is organic. Every moment of every day, it is evolving. Subtle internal changes are always taking place. And it is only through honest and open communication that people can stay aligned through those changes, maintain unity, and build long-term harmony in their relationships.

Jacobsen: If things are going well, how do you continue? How do you naturally set up the next step or a second meeting? And if things are going poorly, how do you hit the “emergency exit” with a soft landing?

Frost: If things are going well, you let them progress naturally. But it helps to have structure. Sometimes people struggle to know what their partner is thinking. Again, this comes back to open communication, trust, and mutual respect. If those elements are in place, you can talk things through and move forward with clarity.

Now, on the other hand, if things start feeling unclear—or if one person begins to sense that something isn’t quite right—it becomes more complicated. Sometimes it is obvious that things are not going to work out. Other times, the feeling is just vague: This does not feel quite right to me anymore.

When someone starts feeling that way, it is usually a sign that they need to take a step back and reflect.

As a marriage agency, we have a rule: from the point of a successful introduction, people should decide whether they are heading toward marriage within six months. The reason is simple—most people know within two or three months whether they are compatible for marriage. If a couple is still unsure after six months, it is usually a sign that something is missing.

Time alone does not resolve fundamental mismatches. Unless someone undergoes a profound, self-chosen shift in their values or outlook—which is rare—extra time does not change the dynamic.

Now, as for a soft exit: it is only possible if both people have that same foundation of communication, trust, and respect. When those are present, it is easier for both to say, “You’re right, this isn’t working. We both deserve to find the right person.” That kind of mutual clarity allows for a graceful, respectful ending.

But if those fundamentals are missing, soft exits become much harder. And this brings us back to the core of every healthy relationship: honesty, communication, mutual understanding, and the ability to work together in a harmonious way.

Jacobsen: Do you have any favorite quotes about this?

Frost: [Laughing] Yikes. And now my mind goes completely blank.

Jacobsen: It reminds me of something funny. There’s this story about how expert pitchers are asked to explain how they throw a ball. They give long, detailed answers—mechanics, mindset, strategy, the whole thing. And yet, every single one of them is wrong.

It turns out that among true experts, this is common. There’s a huge amount of subconscious processing—knowledge and skill that is hidden even from themselves. They do it, but they do not fully know how they do it. It is all happening below the surface.

That is very much the same with relationships and intuition. We process so much unconsciously. We make assessments we can’t articulate. And often, the best thing we can do is trust what we feel—while staying grounded in honest, calm communication.

Frost: So it’s probably a similar thing. Again, it comes down to that whole idea of unconscious processing. One example that came up in a conversation with one of my mentors and trainers was about performing at high levels unconsciously. He explained that to truly operate at a higher level—whether in life, work, or relationships—you have to be functioning from that unconscious space.

Take top-level Formula One drivers, for instance. When they’re asked why they made certain decisions during a race—why they took a turn a certain way, or how they reacted so quickly—they often cannot explain it. It is all instinctive, reactive behavior. There’s no time for conscious thought. If they tried to consciously process each action, it would take too long. The delay would cost them.

So, here’s a quote—from me, if I may:

“As with everything in life, when building a relationship—especially with someone you’re considering as a potential marriage partner—always be completely open and honest. It may not get you the outcome you want with that particular person. But if that’s the case, they’re not the right person for you. And that’s okay. Because they will make space for the right person to come into your life. To build something lasting, you need to be with someone who can see you clearly—and love you as you are.”

Jacobsen: Beautifully said. Thank you very much for your time today. I really appreciate it.

Frost: Sounds good. Feel free to reach out anytime.

Jacobsen: Thank you again. I really appreciate your time and expertise.

Frost: Thank you. Take care.

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