Emotional Connection, Body Language, and Repair: A Conversation with Therapist Kaitlyn Steel

Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen

Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry

Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/10/24

Part 1 of 2

Kaitlyn Steel, LMFT, EFCT Certified, and CCTP, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist through the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT). She is also a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. Based at Keystone Therapy Group in Virginia, where she serves as a Board-Approved Supervisor, Kaitlyn provides both in-person and virtual therapy to clients across Virginia and New York. Her practice centers on emotional connection, attachment theory, and trauma-informed care, helping couples and individuals strengthen communication, repair ruptures, and build secure, resilient relationships grounded in empathy and authenticity. More info here: https://keystonetherapygroup.com/kaitlyn-steel/.

In this conversation, Scott Douglas Jacobsen and Steel explore emotional intimacy, body language, and the physiology of connection. Steel explains how nonverbal cues—like eye contact, body alignment, and facial expressions—reveal closeness or distance between partners. She emphasizes that secure couples are defined not by the absence of conflict, but by their ability to repair after disconnection. The discussion also examines modern challenges such as social media exposure, “vaguebooking,” and “subtweeting,” which can turn private conflict into public rupture. Steel highlights trust, empathy, and physiological awareness as essential to rebuilding emotional safety and sustaining healthy, realistic relationships.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Today, we are here with Kaitlyn Steel, LMFT, EFCT Certified and CCTP. Today’s topic is emotional connection and body language. What are some telling nonverbal cues that indicate emotional intimacy? Moreover, what are some cues that suggest people are growing apart?

Kaitlyn Steel: Emotional distance. I will approach this assuming you are asking from the perspective of one of the partners in the relationship rather than an outside observer. Couples who are emotionally close and securely attached usually maintain healthy eye contact. It is not about constantly staring, but about feeling comfortable being seen and seeing the other person, even during vulnerable conversations. There is a natural ease—less darting eyes, less discomfort.

Body positioning also plays a significant role. If you are having an intimate conversation but your body is turned away, your arms are crossed, or you are leaning back, that signals a degree of emotional withdrawal. Our physical openness often reflects emotional safety. Think about how you lounge on a couch—relaxed, open, comfortable.

Similarly, couples who are emotionally connected tend to face each other, maintain open body language, make consistent eye contact, and show calm, steady facial expressions. You can often see alignment between what one partner says and how the other responds nonverbally.

The second part of your question was about emotional distancing. When couples feel distant, they often turn away from each other during conversation. They might be looking at one another, but their bodies are not aligned. You will see more facial reactions—frowns, eye rolls, raised eyebrows, tight lips. Some cues are subtle; others are more obvious. Overall, there’s less relaxation and more tension. You may notice fidgeting or an urge to interrupt, but hold back. It reflects defensiveness rather than openness.

Jacobsen: How do securely attached couples interact? Is it always relaxed and natural?

Steel: No. One of the things people often misunderstand is that securely attached couples can have serious arguments—though, of course, not physical ones. They can get passionate, disagree, or experience moments of disconnection. One partner might come home from a bad day at work and snap at the other for no reason. That happens. Those moments don’tnecessarily indicate whether a couple is secure or insecure, or whether they’re emotionally attuned or disconnected.

What actually matters is how they repair after those incidents, because those experiences are simply part of being human. No one behaves perfectly all the time. What counts is how you come back and make things right with your partner.

Secure couples usually repair quickly. They’ll say things like, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s not about you—I’ve just had a bad day. Give me a second and I’ll try again.” These couples can take ownership of their part in a conflict without demanding that their partner immediately acknowledge theirs. They trust that accountability will come naturally. One might say, “I shouldn’t have said that, I’m sorry,” and the other responds, “I shouldn’t have reacted that way either; I understand that my response made you feel hurt.”

It’s really about the repair—how the couple reconnects and becomes okay again—rather than the conflict itself.

Jacobsen: What are the physical gestures of repair?

Steel: That’s highly personal to the individuals and the situation. For example, imagine one partner comes home from work, snaps after a bad day, and the two end up in a minor argument over nothing. A gesture of repair might be approaching the other for a hug and saying, “I’m sorry for snapping.” It could be a light kiss or a gentle touch—something small and genuine.

It’s not meant to escalate intimacy but to reestablish connection. These gestures are usually brief and grounded in comfort, not intensity. After a significant argument, physical touch might not be helpful at all. One or both partners might need space before feeling safe with physical affection again. Emotional repair often needs to happen first.

If your partner tends to withdraw from physical affection after a conflict, focus on making your nonverbal communication genuine—matching your words with authentic facial expressions instead of forced ones. Offer empathy without pressure and give them the space they need to feel comfortable as they work through the issue.

Jacobsen: What about repairing afterward—especially in today’s context of social media? When someone brings their private conflict into a public space—posting grievances on social media because their partner wasn’t responsive in the moment—it creates a kind of shared exposure. Both partners are now aware that their conflict has become public. That turns a private emotional rupture into a public one, amplifying shame, defensiveness, and volatility. How does that kind of situation get repaired? What does that look like nonverbally? I know you’ve mentioned eye rolls before, and I’m aware of John and Julie Gottman’s research on contempt being a major red flag—a kind of emergency signal that repair is urgently needed. How should a couple navigate that?

Steel: Nonverbal repair in that kind of situation probably won’t go very far at first. Publicly posting about a partner is deeply shaming and embarrassing for the other person. That level of exposure creates what we call an attachment injury—a rupture that runs deeper than an ordinary disagreement. Repair in this case usually requires more than a simple, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that,” because the harm extended beyond the couple’s private space and into a public one.

When someone posts publicly, they’ve essentially said, “Let me expose the worst parts of you to everyone.” That doesn’t work for maintaining emotional safety in a relationship.

That said, if the offending partner genuinely wants to repair things, the first nonverbal gestures should communicate undivided attention and respect. Put the phone away. Make eye contact. Sit in a way that shows openness and attentiveness.

If you’re the person who made the post, don’t try to talk about it while cooking dinner, driving, or with the kids around. That sends the message that the conversation isn’t your full priority. Instead, show through body language that the other person has your complete attention and that this conversation matters.

Physical touch might not be appropriate in this moment—some couples might find light touch comforting, but others may need space. I’ve seen couples sit close together, knees touching, to foster connection during repair, but the “injured partner” should determine what feels safe and comfortable.

Facial expressions and tone are critical. They’re two of the biggest disruptors in the communications industry. If you’ve been told before that your tone can sound harsh or dismissive, this is the time to be hyperaware of it. When someone is already hurt, small cues—like a sigh or an eye roll—can confirm their fears, making repair much harder.

Jacobsen: I’ve been doing a couple of interviews, and recently I’ve been hearing about new trends in relationship communication. Outside of ghosting, one of the latest patterns is something called “subtweeting” or “vaguebooking.” Have you heard of those?

Steel: No, I haven’t.

Jacobsen: So, “vaguebooking” refers to when someone posts something on Facebook with no names or clear context—just emotional breadcrumbs or vague complaints meant to attract sympathy without confrontation. “Subtweeting” is similar but happens on Twitter or X: indirect posts aimed at someone recognizable to insiders, without tagging them. They’re performative, strategic, and often crafted to spark speculation or seek validation from others. It feels relevant to this topic because when couples post these sorts of things, their friends and followers often recognize who it’s about.

Steel: Yes.

Jacobsen: So that’s a little different from explicit commentary, but it’s still public.

Steel: Yes, it can be different. If someone explicitly says, “My boyfriend did this,” that’s an intentional act of exposure—essentially saying, “I don’t care how this looks.” It’s a conscious choice to air everything out. The kind of examples you’re giving—vague posts, emotional breadcrumbs—fall more into a passive-aggressive stance.

When someone posts like that, the unspoken expectation is often that others will rush to comfort them. It’s a way to elicit validation or attention without taking responsibility. And if a partner communicates that way publicly, it’s a good bet they’re not being clear or direct privately either.

Sometimes they might even double down—“Yeah, of course I was talking about you, who else?”—but more often, the goal is to avoid accountability. That makes honest repair very hard, because those behaviours usually reflect avoidance, manipulation, or shame.

When a partner is secretive, evasive, or deceitful, the other person naturally starts scrutinizing their nonverbals—tone, facial expressions, posture—because they’re trying to find the truth that words aren’t giving them. Their focus narrows onto body language, and every raised eyebrow or pause takes on outsized meaning.

At that point, resolution isn’t just about clarifying a misunderstanding; it’s about rebuilding basic trust. Without transparency, you can’t repair through nonverbal connection alone. That kind of posting is less a mistake and more an intentional breach.

Jacobsen: So the prognosis is dire.

Steel: Yes. If I were seeing that in couples therapy, I’d skip the content of the argument and go straight to the issue of trust. The real question becomes, “How do we rebuild a foundation where anything said or shown feels genuine?” Because once trust fractures, nothing else feels real until that’s addressed.

Jacobsen: How do one’s own physiological responses play into nonverbal connection?

Steel: When we’re in defensive or stressful moments with our partners, our physiological systems activate. Heart rate spikes, muscles tense, palms sweat, breathing changes. The brain can’t easily distinguish between emotional threat and physical threat—it just registers, “I’m in danger,” and starts pumping stress chemicals to prepare for protection.

Think of it this way: imagine you’ve just finished a sprint, and your partner immediately tries to have a deep emotional talk or says something cutting. You’re disoriented. You can’t process what’s being said clearly because your body is still in fight-or-flight mode.

That’s what happens emotionally, too. When our nervous systems are flooded, we lose the ability to accurately interpret our partner’s tone and body language. Everything starts to sound harsher, feel colder, look more critical. The brain is primed for self-defence, not connection.

So part of emotional intelligence in relationships is learning to notice that physiological activation and pause before responding—giving the body a moment to catch up so the heart doesn’t outrun reason.

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