Thomas Westenholz on Banksying in Modern Dating: Emotional Accountability and Relationship Patterns
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/10/27
Thomas Westenholz is a couples and individual therapist based in Brighton and Hove, UK, and founder of CoupleTherapy.earth. Trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Somatic Trauma Therapy, Thomas helps couples break destructive patterns and rediscover emotional safety. He also supports individuals navigating anxiety, depression, ADHD, stress, and life transitions. As co-host of the Couples in Focus podcast, he offers clear, relatable insights into modern relationships. Thomas designs innovative well-being programs for individuals and corporations, blending science-backed practices with practical tools to foster resilience, clarity, and connection. For more information:
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Hi Thomas, thank you for speaking with me today. To begin, could you share a bit about your background and what you’re seeing in your work around modern dating challenges?
Thomas Westenholtz: Hi, I’m Thomas Westenholz, a couple and individual therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy. I work with a lot of people who are trying to make sense of dating in a world where emotional accountability often gets pushed aside. Trends like banksying — when someone slowly fades out of a relationship without ever really ending it — aren’t just confusing, they’re emotionally painful.
Jacobsen: Why do people banksy, and how is it different from ghosting?
Westenholtz: Ghosting is like slamming a door shut. Banksying is more like slowly walking out of the room while pretending you’re still in it. People do it because they don’t know how to handle hard conversations or face the discomfort of disappointing someone. It’s often not about malice — it’s about emotional avoidance.
Jacobsen: What happens to someone on the receiving end?
Westenholtz: Being banksied can mess with your head. You’re left wondering if you’re imagining things, if you said something wrong, if you’re too needy. That uncertainty creates anxiety, self-doubt, and even a kind of heartbreak with no clear end point. The grief drags on because there’s no closure.
“When someone fades without a word, you don’t just lose the connection — you lose the chance to understand what happened. That’s what really hurts.”
Jacobsen: What does this say about modern dating?
Westenholtz: It shows how conflict-avoidance has become the norm. A lot of people haven’t learned how to end things with care — they think silence is kinder than honesty. But real connection requires emotional responsibility, and avoiding that stunts not just the relationship, but personal growth.
Jacobsen: How can you tell if it’s happening to you?
Westenholtz: If someone starts replying less, stops making plans, and seems emotionally checked out — but still won’t talk about it — you’re probably being banksied. You feel the distance, but there’s no conversation to make sense of it.
Jacobsen: What if you’re the one thinking of fading out?
Westenholtz: Just be real. Even a short message like, “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t feel this is the right fit,” gives the other person something to hold onto — a sense of respect. Avoiding the discomfort doesn’t make it disappear, it just hands it to someone else to carry.
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Thomas.
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