Authenticity, Intuition, and International Love: Stephen Frost on Building Cross-Cultural Marriages in Japan

Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen

Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry

Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/07/30

Part 1 of 2

Stephen Frost, founder of Marriage Matching in Osaka, Japan, shares his expertise on international matchmaking rooted in authenticity, self-awareness, and psychological insight. Frost discusses how self-esteem and unconscious processing shape dating dynamics, why gut instinct and shared values matter more than surface traits, and how structured introductions like omiai foster genuine connection. Drawing from real-world experience, he explores the psychology of compatibility, the dangers of inauthentic behavior, and how open, respectful communication enables long-term relationship success—especially across cultures. The interview offers a practical, thoughtful roadmap to finding love in a globalized world.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Stephen Frost is the founder and director of Marriage Matching, an international marriage matching agency based in Osaka, Japan. As a certified NLP coach with over twenty years of experience, he has helped individuals across the globe find meaningful, lasting relationships—especially in the context of intercultural and international marriages. Through his agency, Stephen combines personalized coaching, cultural awareness, and psychological insight to help clients meet compatible partners and build fulfilling partnerships. His areas of expertise include dating psychology, relationship coaching, and cross-cultural communication, which enable him to guide clients through the unique challenges of international matchmaking.

Passionate about fostering genuine connections, Stephen has empowered countless clients to better understand themselves and approach relationships with confidence, clarity, and authenticity.

Thank you for joining me today. What are some common mistakes people make when trying to impress someone on a first date, instead of just being themselves?

Stephen Frost: One of the most common mistakes people make is assuming they know what the other person wants. It may sound strange, but it’s incredibly common.

What this really comes down to is self-esteem. Many people are uncomfortable with who they truly are, so they present a version of themselves they think will be more appealing—rather than being genuine.

A large part of what we do as a marriage agency here in Japan involves building detailed and accurate profiles for our clients. We conduct multiple consultations to develop a deep understanding of each individual. There’s a cross-checking process where we revisit key points to ensure consistency and accuracy. We also create psychological profiles to better understand each person’s values, communication style, and long-term goals.

So, when we create these final profiles, they tend to be quite accurate. Of course, occasionally something doesn’t surface during interviews, but that’s rare given the depth of the process.

What often happens is that a client will read another person’s profile and feel excited, but then start thinking, “I need to be someone better for this person to like me,” even though the other person has already expressed interest in meeting them. That mindset leads people to perform or posture, rather than showing up as themselves.

And this is where self-esteem and self-acceptance come in. In Japan, these formal introductions are known as omiai, which are structured meetings specifically for people looking to marry. The omiai that go best are those where both people relax and simply allow their true selves to come through. When people try to impress rather than connect, they often get nervous—and that creates distance. Authenticity, not performance, is what leads to real connection.

And it’s kind of natural, in a way, to think, Okay, I like this person—are they going to like me? That anxiety can lead someone to get overly nervous and start presenting themselves as someone they are not. That’s where the trouble starts. 

Jacobsen: So what does this mean in terms of the space people create during that kind of interaction?

People typically enter these situations in one of four ways, if we use a simplified model:

1. Both people are authentic.
2. Both people are inauthentic.
3. One person is authentic, and the other is not.
4. The reverse of that.

How do those dynamics shape the context once the interaction is underway—say, half an hour or an hour and a half into it? That’s roughly the typical duration, correct?

Frost: Realistically, the only way to reach a solid, effective result is when both individuals are authentic. Now, following an authentic exchange, the outcome could go in a few directions. They might both feel a connection and choose to continue seeing each other, which can lead to a solid relationship. Or one of them may feel it was pleasant but not quite right, and opt not to pursue it further. Or both might mutually agree that while it was a good experience, it simply was not the right fit.

However, when one person is being inauthentic—or worse, both are—the chances of forming a sustainable relationship drop to zero. At some point, the inauthentic person cannot maintain the act anymore. They revert to their natural character, and that can result in a disorienting moment for the other person, who may think, Who is this? Or it can result in an emotional breakdown from the individual who has been pretending.

We had one such case over the many years we’ve been doing this. It was a gentleman from the U.S. who had been living in Japan for a while. He had been dating a Japanese woman for about five months. There had been some small signs—subtle feedback indicating she wanted to do things a little differently—but she kept agreeing to everything he suggested, and on the surface, they seemed happy. He even introduced her to his parents.

Then, one day, she sat him down and said, I can’t do this anymore. I’m not being myself. She ended the relationship right there.

She had created a persona based on the belief that he would not like her authentic self. That was the breaking point. This situation was an exception—truly one in hundreds—but it illustrates the danger of inauthenticity.

Most people who come to a marriage agency are looking for a long-term partner. They already understand that they need to be themselves. If they are not, they know they are unlikely to find a compatible match or build something sustainable. That is something we’ve consistently emphasized and counseled people on for years.

But yes, in that rare case, the woman simply said, I can’t do this anymore. I’m not being myself, and I don’t think he would like who I really am. So she ended it. It hit him like a ton of bricks, as you can probably imagine. He ended up taking a couple of months off from the search because he was crushed.

What actually happened as a result, though, was quite powerful. We spent some time supporting him while he processed the experience. After about two months, he came back, feeling more grounded. And within a week or so of re-engaging, he met the woman he would eventually marry.

Everything had crystallized and clarified in his mind. He met someone who was completely authentic with him—someone he resonated with—and they aligned naturally. Things progressed quickly, and it became clear to both of them that this was it. They decided to get married, and they’ve now been happily married for a few years.

Jacobsen: That’s wonderful to hear.

Frost: Yes, it’s exactly the kind of outcome we strive for—not the heartbreak, of course, but the clarity and connection that can follow. People need to be themselves. When they are not—when they’re performing or playing a role—it might seem convincing for a while, just like a good actor in a movie. But even in film, people eventually pick holes in the plot.

Jacobsen: That’s a good analogy.

Frost: Thank you. And it’s true. When someone plays a role that is not fully thought through or not fully authentic, it eventually unravels. It might seem like the “right” persona, but it is not sustainable. Someone notices the cracks. And it is the same in relationships. Unless you are completely authentic and genuinely aligned with the other person, it is going to fall apart at some point.

Jacobsen: What about sharing parts of your personal story in an appropriate way to build rapport and trust? When you are in the moment and telling your story, but doing it appropriately—reading the other person as you go. It is not performative, but it still helps build rapport and trust because of the honesty involved.

Frost: Absolutely. That is a vital point. Building rapport is essential to any meaningful relationship. Without rapport, you will not get anywhere. When two people are communicating and sharing parts of their lives, yes—it is incredibly valuable.

But it has to be done with care. If one person keeps jumping in with, “Oh yes, I’ve done that too,” over and over, it can come across as performative or inauthentic.

A better approach is to ask questions and let the conversation flow naturally. That way, the sharing becomes part of a dialogue rather than a monologue. As the conversation deepens, personal stories will surface organically.

Another important point, especially in international relationships, is that people often come from vastly different cultural backgrounds. There may be a lack of shared experience. For example, the school system in the U.S. is very different from the school system in Japan. So their experiences growing up may diverge quite a bit.

In those cases, connection often comes through shared interests—things like music, hobbies, or values. Those commonalities can become a foundation for trust and deeper understanding. So yes, people do need to be mindful of how they share their stories and whether they are assuming commonality. Most true commonality comes from shared belief systems and values. And when it comes to deeper rapport or relationship building, it is those shared core values that create the strongest foundation.

Jacobsen: What about gut instinct or intuition during these assessments? How much does that really play a role?

Frost: It plays quite a significant role. Let me give you a bit of background first.

Core values—by definition—are fundamental, often single-word concepts. They’re typically intangible. The only exception, arguably, is money, which can have a tangible component. People hold values across all areas of life: relationships, family, career, business, and so on.

When it comes to relationships, the values people often name as essential include love, communication, respect, honesty, and integrity. These values are the foundations upon which belief systems are built.

So, when two people have similar belief systems or beliefs that arise from those shared values, they tend to feel more aligned. Interestingly, many of these values and beliefs do not emerge in an overt or conscious way. Instead, they surface subtly—unconsciously—through the natural flow of conversation.

For example, someone might describe a past experience, and the way they talk about it reveals a value, even if they do not name it directly. The other person then intuitively picks up on that and thinks, This person seems to see the world like I do. That is often how alignment starts to take shape.

In the marriage agency context, this becomes especially important. We run a highly structured process. For international clients, most initial introductions happen via Zoom and last about 45 minutes. In-person introductions, which are more traditional in Japan, often involve something like afternoon tea and typically last around an hour to an hour and a half.

During these meetings, contact details are not exchanged. That only happens after the meeting and only if both parties indicate they want to move forward. The idea is to keep the interaction relaxed and focused on conversation—not pressure or expectations.

And it’s during these low-pressure, natural conversations that people begin to open up and reveal deeper aspects of themselves. That’s when insights surface, and yes, that’s when gut instinct—or what some people call intuition—starts to play a role.

Malcolm Gladwell talked about this in his book Blink, in a concept called thin slicing. It is the idea that people can make remarkably accurate judgments based on very small amounts of information—snap impressions that are surprisingly reliable. And this has been explored in several psychological systems.

In the context of matchmaking, it aligns with what we observe all the time. When people are authentic and relaxed, the signals they send—both verbal and nonverbal—allow the other person to “thin slice” and get a good intuitive sense of compatibility.

Essentially, what this means is that most people form an impression of someone—and have a sense of how well they are going to get along—within just a few seconds of meeting. And the only way that can happen is through unconscious processing, what we typically call gut instinct.

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