Chloe Bean, LMFT, on Banksying in Dating, Emotional Trauma, and Healing with Somatic Therapy
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/10/11
Chloe Bean, LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and somatic trauma specialist in Los Angeles, California. At Chloe Bean Therapy, she supports high-achieving women navigating anxiety, toxic relationships, breakup recovery, body image concerns, perfectionism, and attachment trauma. Drawing on EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and Somatic Experiencing, Chloe integrates nervous system healing with practical skills to reduce stress, improve boundaries, and build secure, satisfying relationships. Her work centers on emotional resilience, mindfulness, and repairing self-worth after relational trauma. Chloe has contributed expert commentary on modern dating, friendship dynamics, and sleep-health routines, and is featured in VoyageLA. Keywords: LMFT Los Angeles, somatic trauma therapist, EMDR therapist, IFS therapy, women’s mental health, anxiety treatment, relationship counseling, attachment styles, breakup recovery, nervous system regulation.
In this interview with Scott Douglas Jacobsen, Bean explains the hidden breakup tactic of “banksying,” where one partner secretly withdraws over time before ending a relationship. Unlike ghosting, which is sudden disappearance, banksying is a calculated concealment that leaves the other partner blindsided and destabilized. Bean outlines why people banksy—often from conflict avoidance or control—and the deep psychological effects it causes, including anxiety, shame, and hypervigilance. She offers strategies for emotional protection, reframing, and healing, emphasizing therapy approaches like EMDR, IFS, and Somatic Experiencing. For Bean, presence and honesty are the antidotes to betrayal in modern relationships.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: What is banksying in dating?
Chloe Bean: Banksying is when someone secretly decides to end a relationship, then slowly withdraws over weeks or months—without telling their partner. Unlike a natural drifting apart, banksying is intentional concealment: the person banksying has already “left” emotionally but keeps up minimal appearances until the final breakup. It leaves the other partner blindsided, confused, and destabilized.
Jacobsen: How does it differ from ghosting?
Bean: Ghosting is unnexpected disappearance; banksying is strategic abandonment. Ghosting can feel like a passive rejection or non-commitment while banksying feels like an intended betrayal because the withdrawal is covert and calculated. Banksying is less rooted in uncertainty and more about choosing to secretly exit for personal benefit while the other person is still investing.
Jacobsen: Why do people banksy instead of communicating?
Bean: Banksying often comes from avoidance and fear of conflict. Someone may not feel emotionally equipped to tolerate guilt, anger, or disappointment, so they manage their own discomfort with difficult emotions by deceiving their partner. Sometimes it’s about control—managing the narrative, lining up the next relationship, or protecting their own image. Psychologically, it’s a short-term self-protective strategy that creates long-term harm for the receiver.
Jacobsen: What are the psychological effects of being banksied?
Bean: Being banksied can mimic relational trauma. Common reactions include obsessive rumination (“when did it start?” “what could I have done differently”), anxiety, panic attacks, depression, shame, self-blame, hypervigilance, and distrust a towards oneself and future partners. Because the withdrawal was hidden and sudden, victims may feel gaslit: Was I imagining intimacy when they were already detaching? Was it ever real? For those with abandonment or attachment wounds, banksying can reopen deep layers of shame and rejection. In many instances, the receiver of the banksying may feel robbed of the opportunity to be heard, leading to a feeling of devaluation.
Jacobsen: What early signs indicate you’ve been banksied?
Bean: - Emotional intimacy drops without explanation—conversations stay surface-level when you attempt to communicate about your needs for more connection.- Affection or sexual connection feels withheld.- You notice social media changes (muted, unfollowed) or sudden distance.- Plans become inconsistent, while they expand energy into other friendships or hobbies. The common thread is secrecy: instead of naming doubts, they disengage quietly and you begin to feel excluded and in the dark.
Jacobsen: How can you protect your emotional health?
Bean: 1. Name it: Recognize this pattern says more about their coping style than who you are.2. Regulate: Use grounding tools—breathwork, movement, journaling—to calm your nervous system, and connect with folks who you feel are consistent and present.3. Reframe: Ask, “Do I want to be with someone who can’t be present for truthful conversations?” That shift restores your sense of choice and agency. Healing starts with reclaiming the story: they struggle with discomfort and cope by abandoning; I am capable of the truth and stay present when things get hard— I deserve to be around folks who can provide the same.
Jacobsen: What is the healthiest way to respond?
Bean: Don’t chase closure from someone who withheld it all along, they cannot provide what you want or need. Instead, honor your grief with their limitations and focus on relationships where honesty and growth is possible. Lean on community, therapy, or creative expression to metabolize the rupture. The healthiest question becomes: How can I stay with myself, even when someone else doesn’t have the capacity to stay with me?
Jacobsen: Can EMDR, IFS, or somatic therapy help you recover?
Bean: Absolutely. EMDR can help reprocess the shock and betrayal, reducing intrusive thoughts and self-blame. IFS helps you connect compassionately with the parts of you that feel abandoned or unworthy. Somatic therapy brings presence and safety back into the body, soothing the hypervigilance that banksying can trigger. These approaches allow you not only to recover but to rebuild trust in yourself and your ability to connect.
“Ghosting is silence; banksying is deception.”
“Banksying isn’t rooted in uncertainty—it’s about secretly leaving while your partner is still investing.”
“Being banksied can feel like emotional gaslighting: you’re left questioning if the relationship was ever real.”
“The antidote to banksying is presence: honesty in how you leave is as important as how you love.”
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Chloe.
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Chloe Bean, LMFT — Somatic Trauma Therapist for High-Achieving Women | EMDR, IFS, & Somatic Experiencing | Los Angeles + Online Across CaliforniaWebsite: www.chloebeantherapy.com – IG: @chloebeantherapy
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