What Is Banksying? Sofie Roos on Ghosting’s Slow Fade
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/10/29
Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist with 18 years of clinical experience. Based in Stockholm, Sweden, she specializes in sexual health, intimacy, and couples therapy. She works at Venhälsan and writes for Sweden’s Passionerad, where she offers clear, practical guidance on sex, relationships, sexually transmitted infections, and sex toys for diverse audiences. Roos is known for a warm, evidence-informed, and nonjudgmental approach that helps individuals and partners navigate desire, communication, and trust. Her practice centers on respectful, inclusive care that meets people where they are, translating complex topics into actionable advice that supports healthier, more satisfying relationships. Roos writes for Sweden’s Passionerad: https://passionerad.se/.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Why people engage in “banksying” and how it differs from ghosting
Sofie Roos: Banksying is closely related to ghosting, but with the difference that during ghosting, you abruptly stop answering your date’s attempts to make contact with you, while when banksying, you slowly let it come to nothing!
This means that when banksying, you slowly stop answering or reaching out at the same frequency, you make up excuses for not meeting up, and you become more distant, so it’s a slow death of the relationship where you not really straight up end anything, but let the time and your less engagement lead to some sort of stop.
It might sound cruel, and it is, but people banksying must not do it out of being mean, but often because they’re afraid of ending things, and feel it too overwhelming to say goodbye, so this feels like an easier way to go!
Actually, many people who’s banksying does it because from their point of view, it’s less damaging for their partner than if ending things right away, because one thinks that the other person’s feelings will cool off and lead to a situation where it feels natural to let go, without any hard feelings, even though the suffering often becomes much bigger if being banksied than if straight up being dumped!
Jacobsen: What are the psychological effects of being “banksied” on the person left behind?
Roos: To be a victim of banksying is extremely confusing and can be very emotionally draining since there rarely comes any explanation or ending, just excuses and weird explanations for this behavior.
This puts the person being left behind in a very tricky situation where you don’t know if this is a phase the other person is going through and if they want you and it’ll turn better soon, if you have done anything wrong or if they simply aren’t interested anymore.
The hope will in most cases be what’s strongest, so you’ll keep fighting, even though your partner often already has moved on, which is what makes banksying extra mean…!
The effect of this is often temporary low self-esteem, that you start doubting your own worth, the whole relationship and your role in it, and you start questioning what you did or might not did that lead to this – even though it many times doesn’t have much to do with you at all, but with the partner!
It can also become more difficult to really let go since there never comes any real ending, so this person can be difficult to stop thinking about, and they become a sort of opened wound that never truly heals.
Jacobsen: What does this trend says about modern dating and emotional accountability?
Roos: Banksying says a lot about how people today treat close romantic relationships, often a person that much is invested in and that deserves a much better and way more fair treatment.
In my opinion, it’s a clear sign that dating and relationships today go way too fast, and that we many times tend to consume them rather than treating it with the respect a relationship deserves.
People have been afraid of ending things with their partner in all ages, but back in the day we still went up and said “I’m so sorry but this doesn’t work anymore”. So the dating apps and the modern way of meeting people has made us lose the respect for each other on the dating scene.
Many today simply prioritize their own comfort instead of taking responsibility for the people that get invested in them, which is a big lack in emotional courage.
I wouldn’t go so far and say that we’ve lost empathy, but the respect isn’t there anymore, much due to the rules for how you date today is completely re-written!
Back in the day you often dated a person being related to your life in some way, such as a co-worker or a friend’s friend that required that you ended things nicely, but today you often don’t need to meet the person you dated again, so you simply don’t have to take the same responsibility for your actions anymore.
Jacobsen: How people can recognize it early and protect their emotional health?
Roos: If you begin to feel that the communication start happening more from your side only, that you hang out less and less even though there’s really no great explanation for that, and if it feels as your partner is stop investing themselves in your relationship the same way they used to, then that’s early signs of the eventual beginning of banksying – it it not already has started to happen.
In this situation, it’s important to bring this up to conversation with your partner, and actually confront them.
Saying things such as “What is going on here?”, “Are you no longer interested in me?”, “Are you going through a tough time and need support?”, and “How can we go on from here? Because I can’t take this situation where I’m not knowing what’s happening, rather say that you’re no longer interested than do like this!” are great things to let them hear.
Also don’t take no answer for an answer – push them if necessary until they let you know what’s going on, and don’t accept the eventual (and very likely) excuses!
Remember to always be honest to yourself and trust your gut-feeling. If something feels off, it’s most likely off, so don’t ignore that.
To set ultimatums or set your partner in an uncomfortable situation where you ask the tough questions is fully okay if that’s what you need! The most important in this situation is to prioritize your feelings and well-being first.
Jacobsen: What is the appropriate Advice for those who may be tempted to fade out of relationships this way?
Roos: All I can say is to end things with respect, and do it the way you would want it to be done if someone was about to call things off with you.
This doesn’t mean that you need to have a long explanation prepared, but just a simple “I don’t feel as if I want to keep meeting you anymore, so I want to stop dating you / be in a relationship with you” is enough!
And even though it’s not ideal, even doing it over the phone is a better alternative than banksying!
This is not only way more respectful for your partner, it’s also something that will make you grow and become more mature. And who knows – what comes around goes around, so hopefully, you’ll be treated with the same respect back the day you eventually is being dumped by someone!
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Sofie.
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