Dating Intelligently 8: How to End Dates Gracefully

Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen

Publication (Outlet/Website): The Good Men Project

Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2026/02/06

Christopher Louis is a Los Angeles–based international dating and relationship coach and the founder of Dating Intelligence. As host of the Dating Intelligence Podcast, Louis draws on intuition and lived experience to guide clients toward authentic selves and meaningful romantic connections.

In conversation with Scott Douglas Jacobsen, Christopher Louis explains why early dating often fades and how to exit with clarity and respect. Drawing on client experiences, Louis outlines how chemistry forms through messaging and video dates, when intentional questions should replace casual rapport, and why honesty matters more than timing. He distinguishes between brief, early disengagement and “banking,” a slow emotional withdrawal that creates confusion and self-blame. Louis emphasizes emotional intelligence, clear communication, and practicing difficult conversations to avoid ghosting and preserve dignity—arguing that respectful endings support personal growth and healthier future relationships.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: What should we make of when individuals first meet someone for a date and aren’t feeling it, while in other cases the situation isn’t quite a relationship but has lost its lustre, and then there’s a need to leave?

Christopher Louis: I was speaking with a client the other day, and he was asking me, “I’ve been talking to a lot of girls on dating apps, but I find that once I’ve talked to them a few times, I might meet a few of them, and then things start to fizzle out.” In other words, this was something good to talk about today. I told him that, in many cases, when you start talking to someone—whether you meet them in a public space or through a dating app—the interaction often begins through messaging.

Once you get through the messaging portion and you both feel comfortable, you may decide to talk on video, on the phone, or through whatever form of communication you prefer. If it’s video, it becomes more face-to-face. Early on, you might feel some chemistry, and that can be enough to set another time to talk—a second date, a video date, whatever you want to call it.

What I asked him was: how are these video dates going? How is that first date, whether you’re sitting in front of the person or whether it’s on video? How are you interacting with this person? How are you receiving their energy and responding? Ideally, there’s a back-and-forth—like volleyball or tennis—where you ask a question, they reciprocate, you both laugh, and you exchange points of view on what each of you is looking for at this time. At the same time, it can help to keep it casual early on, because you’re still feeling it out.

The best way to do this, as I told him, is to keep it lighthearted. Keep the date fun. Keep the video conference fun. Ask questions, laugh, and find out about this person. Let the person learn a little bit more about you, too. But after the second or third interaction, it can get a little tricky.

At that point, especially if there’s some distance involved, the question becomes: how do you get to the next level with this person? That’s where I think you start asking more intentional questions—asking where they see themselves in the situation. You might say, “We’ve been talking a few times. I really like your energy. I really like you.” That’s where flirting can come in a bit more, and you can see whether it’s reciprocated.

If the person reciprocates and flirts back, then you can go a little deeper with more intentional questions about what you’re looking for in a partner. From your past partners, what would you do differently? How do you want to progress moving forward with something new?

Those are parts of the conversation where things may need to align more clearly. Early on—date one or date two—alignment might not be fully clear yet. You may still be looking to see whether the chemistry is a match, whether the person makes you laugh, and whether the conversation flows. By the third date, many people are looking for a clearer sense that the chemistry and direction are there.

Physical pacing also varies. Some people do not kiss on a first date; others do. By later dates, some people will want to see whether there is romantic or sexual chemistry, while others will not prioritize that as early.

By the third date, you’re asking the question of how some of these situations fizzle out and how you bow out gracefully. If you feel like the person is attractive but not really your type, or if the communication and conversation are not going where you want them to go, you may simply not be aligning in what you want. In that case, there’s nothing wrong with letting someone know. Before ghosting, it is generally more respectful to be honest and upfront. You can say, “I thought this was great, but I don’t feel like our intentions are lining up.”

That’s the approach I think most people should take. One thing many dating coaches report seeing is that some people are becoming more intentional about dating. They may be looking for more emotional intelligence in a connection, and they may be more specific about how they want to move forward.

It becomes a lot more about questions—about whether people are coming forward with what they’re really looking for, rather than just going with the flow or whatever it may be. If you want to ask questions off of that, we can go from there. There are two forms of ghosting that have come up in interviews with other dating professionals.

One is standard ghosting, where it’s basically one and done—you never hear from the person again. The other is what they call “banking.” Have you heard of this? Yes, I have. It’s like those characters in Back to the Future who slowly fade out of the photograph, signifying a gradual disappearance. It happens in stages—a slow decoupling, like a piece of a space station drifting away.

Jacobsen: So the question becomes: how do those experiences make people feel when you talk to your clients? And how do you let them know that how someone else acts does not necessarily say anything about them? It’s a choice in how the other person behaves. It reflects how that person is in the world, not your fundamental worth. Then there’s the pivot: if you were in that situation, here’s what you could do constructively. You give them practical advice, while also helping them not carry unnecessary guilt.

Louis: Let’s start from the beginning. The first form of ghosting is familiar. Someone talks to another person and feels entitled to disappear. I don’t completely disagree with that in certain cases. If you’ve only spoken with someone once on the phone and realize you’re not interested, there’s nothing wrong with letting it end there. We see that happen a lot. If someone isn’t interested, they may simply not text back, and eventually you realize that’s the end of it.

The other type of ghosting—the slow fade, or “banking”—is different. This is when you’ve been talking to someone three, four, or five times, or over several weeks. You’re getting along, and then suddenly one person starts emotionally withdrawing. That usually happens because they’re not being honest.

In that case, it’s not really about the other person at all. At the same time, I do think the person on the receiving end should start picking up on the signs, rather than allowing the other person to lead the interaction indefinitely. Many of my clients who feel ghosted in that situation ask, “Did I do something wrong?” And I tell them, it’s not that you did something wrong. It’s that the other person wasn’t mature enough—or emotionally intelligent enough—to say, “This isn’t working out. I think we should let it go and move on while we still have our dignity.”

Most people are afraid to share those feelings, so it feels easier to walk away and hurt the other person in the process.

For the person on the receiving end, there’s often self-blame: “Maybe I didn’t do enough. Maybe I should have done this better.” And yes, you could always imagine doing things better. But at the same time, you also need to be confident and self-directed enough to read the situation. If the other person is emotionally checked out, not communicating, or disengaging, those are signals.

If you’re the one reaching out and the other person keeps responding without actually engaging, that usually means they’re too immature or uncomfortable to end things directly. Those are things you have to learn to recognize as well. It’s a tough situation, and I see it from both sides with my clients—the people who experience it and the people who do it.

That’s why I always tell my clients: if you’re truly ready to stop scrolling and move on, you need to let the other person know. It’s not just about showing respect to them; it’s also about helping yourself in the future. No matter what happens, learning how to communicate clearly—being upfront, honest, and truthful—will help you in the long run.

Jacobsen: Where do you feel people experience the most emotional hesitation when it comes to standing up for their future selves and their best interests in those moments—when they know something isn’t going to work out?

Louis: It’s something that’s genuinely hard to do. People should ideally do it in the moment, emotionally, but there’s a block. They hesitate. The question is: what emotions are really driving them to pump the brakes? Typically, the first thing that comes to mind is that no one wants to hurt another person’s feelings.

We’ve all seen people—sometimes as children—who just say things exactly as they are. They’re not afraid to speak their mind, whether it hurts someone’s feelings or not. You’ve seen the kid who says, “I don’t like you,” or the person who says, “You’re bothering me, leave me alone.” It takes a very strong—and often blunt—kind of awareness to do that without considering how it affects others. Most people do consider others’ feelings. We all have empathy, or at least we hope we do, and because of that, no one wants to hurt someone else.

Even when people go into a situation with the best intentions—thinking, “I want to be honest,” or “I need to tell this person this isn’t working”—once they’re actually in front of the other person, it becomes very hard to do. Some people freeze and do nothing. Others start to say something and then pull back—“I want to say this, but…”—and then they stop. It’s not easy. It’s a muscle you have to work over and over again through practice, and you have to practice doing it in the nicest, lightest way possible.

I was telling one of my clients yesterday that even though it’s hard, you still have to ask for what you want. They said, “I want you, but I’m scared.” And I told them, “I get that it’s scary.” But when you do it the right way—by asking the right question or saying the right thing—you’d be surprised how often the answer isn’t as bad as you expect.

Once you get used to doing that more consistently, it does get easier. I won’t lie to you, though—it’s never really easy. You can do it a thousand times, and it’s still hard. It’s like firing someone from a job. That’s a skill. The first time you have to fire someone, it’s almost the same as telling someone you want to break up. There’s no real difference. It’s very hard to do.

Jacobsen: Do you have any other points that are important to make about parting ways with both dignity and tact?

Louis: Parting ways with dignity and tact really comes down to communication. I was talking about this earlier on a breakup show—about keeping your dignity when ending something. Someone is going to get hurt. In most cases, at least one person, and often both people, will feel hurt. But there’s a way to do it respectfully.

In a situation like this, instead of putting someone down, you can let them go lightly. You can say, “I really enjoyed speaking with you, but I don’t know if this is the right fit for me.” Then you invite them into the conversation by asking, “What’s your take on this? Are you seeing the same thing I’m seeing?” That allows the other person to be part of the process.

Even if the other person gets upset, once you’ve had that conversation and allowed them to express their feelings, that’s when both people can walk away with their dignity intact. You leave the situation understanding each other a bit better. You can say, “Okay, I hear you. I understand.” And you move on knowing that you communicated honestly, while also giving the other person space to share how they feel. That mutual understanding helps clarify why it didn’t work out.

Jacobsen: Chris, thank you very much for your time today. I appreciate it.

Louis: Thank you, Scott. Thank you. It’s really not easy. I’ll be honest—we’re all human. We all struggle with this.

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