Dating Intelligently 7: Stack Dating Explained

Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen

Publication (Outlet/Website): The Good Men Project

Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/12/24

 Christopher Louis is a Los Angeles–based international dating and relationship coach and the founder of Dating Intelligence. As host of the Dating Intelligence Podcast, Louis draws on intuition and lived experience to guide clients toward authentic selves and meaningful romantic connections.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen speaks with Christopher Louis about “stack dating.” Louis explains it as ethically dating multiple people early, without assuming exclusivity, to avoid overinvestment and see patterns over time. He links its popularity to Gen Z, busy schedules, and app culture that normalizes parallel conversations, messaging, and video pre-screens. The approach can reduce anxiety and disappointment when handled transparently, but can fail through deception, blurred expectations, or budget strain. Louis recommends keeping stacks manageable (two to five), anchoring decisions in non-negotiables, and ending the stack when alignment earns exclusivity.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: I have heard a few things, like speed dating. It is pretty standard. There are many apps like Tinder, Bumble, and others. What is stack dating in more detail?

Christopher Louis: “Stack dating” is a term some dating coaches and commentators use for a modern dating approach where you do not focus on just one person at a time early on. In practice, it means you may date multiple people at the same time, without assuming exclusivity, and you avoid overinvesting too early. In the versions I have seen described, it also emphasizes transparency and ethical non-exclusivity where appropriate.

With stack dating, there is no exclusivity at the beginning unless it is explicitly agreed upon. When people start dating—primarily through apps—it is common for them to be talking to or going on dates with more than one person.

At that stage, you can take your time to see who is the best long-term fit. Under this approach, exclusivity is not assumed; it is something people typically agree to after spending time together and establishing alignment. The point is to check whether non-negotiables line up, whether values align, and whether someone’s behaviour is consistent—not just whether the chemistry feels strong.

This is not the same thing as hooking up. It is a dating strategy focused on letting time and patterns clarify compatibility.

“Stack dating” is a newer label for something many people have done for a long time. Dating can involve meeting different people, spending time together, and seeing who you are compatible with. It is about shared interests and finding someone who could be a great partner—not a perfect partner, but a great partner.

Jacobsen: What makes this so popular among younger people? I see that it is tied primarily to Gen Z.

Louis: One argument people make is that it helps prevent quick attachment and reduces pressure to decide too early. Some people take time to make decisions and do not want to commit too quickly, only to end up with the wrong person.

Under this approach, dating multiple people early on can reduce anxiety and overthinking, including the “what does this mean” spiral.

If you put all your eggs in one basket too soon, you may ignore red flags or overreact to uncertainty. Dating more than one person early on can help some people maintain perspective and choose from a place of confidence rather than desperation.

Jacobsen: What are the ways this could go wrong?

Louis: There are many ways this can go wrong. For example, if a person is not being honest with each person they are seeing. If you are going to stack date—even if it is just two people—you need to let the other person know, especially at the beginning. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know that a few other people are involved.

You are keeping your options open, and no one should feel possessive or angry, thinking, “I cannot believe you are dating other people right now,” especially when you have only been seeing each other for less than a week or two. This is not really a relationship yet. This is two people trying to figure things out.

It is fair to be honest and open with each person you are dating, letting them know that you are seeing a few others to ensure alignment with what you want. You are trying to make sure it is the right fit for you. Once again, this is not about sex or hooking up. This is about finding the right fit through the process.

Jacobsen: If you are stacking, how do you keep it within budget?

Louis: There are many ways to do it. Dating in general does not mean you have to spend all your money. Dates do not have to involve expensive outings or constant activities.

If you are truly stack dating, you should first be clear with yourself about what you want with each person. If one person prefers more extravagant experiences, it is your choice whether to spend more on those dates. If another person is more laid-back, you might go for a walk or have a coffee date. If someone prefers staying in and watching Netflix, then that is how you spend time with that person.

The point is to find someone who is the best fit for you in the long run. If someone expects an extravagant lifestyle that is not within your budget, it may not make sense to invest time trying to impress them when you know you will not be able to sustain that dynamic later.

Jacobsen: What is a reasonable amount of stacking in a day, e.g., three, five, ten?

Louis: In theory, it could be higher, but realistically, most people can only manage a small number. Reasonably, many people say somewhere between two and five. That tends to be manageable.

The critical point is not the number itself, but what you can realistically handle emotionally and practically. If you can only manage two people, then that is fine. It is about scaling it to what you can handle without losing perspective or balance.

Jacobsen: Why did this become a trend? Even though this pattern has existed in different forms for a long time, why has it become more mainstream now?

Louis: It has become more mainstream partly because of how people talk about time, work, and self-worth today. Many people see themselves as busy professionals with limited time. Under those conditions, stack dating often looks like a practical response.

If you have a hectic schedule and use dating apps, it is common to be talking to two or three people at once. If you like all of them, the question becomes what to do next. Instead of procrastinating, let’s meet for a simple coffee date. With limited time, that may be all you can realistically manage.

You might meet those two or three people within a short period—perhaps within a week—and decide that you like all of them enough to keep seeing where things go. Because your time is limited, stack dating becomes a way to move forward without prematurely narrowing your options.

The term also appeals to people who tend to overattach or are tired of repeating the same dating patterns. Someone might ask, “Why do I keep choosing the same type of person?” or “Why do I keep falling into the same dynamics?” In that sense, stack dating is framed as a way to break those cycles and potentially find someone who is a better fit.

It is also often described as appealing to people who want clarity rather than confusion. For someone coming out of a relationship, stack dating can be a way to re-enter dating gradually. You might not be sure you are ready for something serious, so you date lightly for a period to see whether dating is something you truly want at that moment.

In that sense, it can resemble speed dating, but without a strict time limit. You have more space to get to know each person and take your time figuring out who aligns with your values and with the kind of partnership you want in the long term.

Jacobsen: What type of questions should you be asking if this becomes a repeated experiment in many ways? Are you mainly going by feel with each person?

Louis: You are mainly going by feel with each person. Some people rely on standard questions they always ask on dates, but that approach is not helpful. These should be authentic meetings, not interviews.

The goal is to spend time together and have a good experience. That is also why honesty matters when you are dating. You do not want to lead someone on or create the impression that you are being deceptive. Being clear helps avoid misunderstandings.

Dating should involve paying attention to how you feel with someone. At the same time, everyone has non-negotiables. If you have a short list—three to five core values or boundaries—you want to make sure those are aligned early on.

If someone does not align with those non-negotiables, you can decide that it is not working for you and move on. In that sense, it is not really about asking the perfect questions. It is about whether the person aligns with who you want to be in the long run.

Jacobsen: What about your own presentability in each situation? How should someone think about their presentability when dating different people?

Louis: I do not think you should be changing who you are to match each person you are dating. I am not saying that if you are dating someone who is very sporty, someone who prefers luxury, or someone more laid-back, that you need to dress or act differently for each of them.

At the same time, you should know which type of person you want to date. If someone is unsure about their dating “lane,” learning to stay within that lane helps clarify who is actually a good fit. When you know who you are, you do not need to reshape yourself to fit someone else.

Stack dating should be about personality, finding the right fit, and aligning with someone who shares your values. It also gives you time to notice red flags—patterns or behaviours you know you do not want in your life.

If you are dating only one person, you may notice red flags or non-negotiables but still overlook them because the other person is interested in you or seems “good enough.” In that situation, you may end up settling.

Instead of settling, stack dating gives you options. You can take your time evaluating people and gradually narrow your focus until you find someone who truly fits.

Jacobsen: Does this also reduce the possibility of disappointment, or at least the degree of disappointment?

Louis: I think it does. When people stack data, there are a few key ideas they need to understand. First, it is about the quality of the people you are dating, not the quantity.

Second, it can help you gain clarity and feel more confident about your eventual choice as you narrow down your options. Third, it helps you better understand what you are actually looking for in a partner.

Even if you date two to five people, you may not find the right person right away. That is part of dating. People often continue dating until they find a match that feels right.

In practice, many people already do something similar. If you are going on dates with two different people in the same week, you are technically dating multiple people. In that sense, stack dating is often just a name for behaviour that already exists.

Jacobsen: Can this be facilitated through apps?

Louis: I am not entirely sure, because I am not active on the apps myself, but I would still say yes. Many people are not discouraged from dating multiple people at the same time. Dating apps are designed to help users meet as many potential matches as possible, whom they want to date.

From my experience with clients who use dating apps, many of them are already talking to three to five people at once. Someone might think, “I really like this person,” but then there are two others they are also talking to, and then another match appears. In that sense, the apps naturally encourage this kind of dating behaviour.

In many ways, it becomes a numbers game. This approach has existed for a long time; it is simply happening through different tools now.

Jacobsen: How do you appropriately screen potential dates? Is there a quick pre-screening process before meeting in person?

Louis: If we are talking about the dating-app version of this, the screening usually happens through messaging. Dating apps now have several built-in stages. You match, you message, and then you often move to texting within the app.

After that, the next step may be a video call. That means you are already going through a screening process without meeting in person. It is also generally safer, since many apps encourage users to keep communication within the platform until they are comfortable sharing personal contact information.

Many apps now offer video calling, which allows people to talk face-to-face in a controlled environment. That step usually requires mutual consent. These tools enable people to vet potential dates and decide whether they want to meet in person.

In the past, this kind of process happened in social settings. People met at events or gatherings and talked to several people in one night. For example, someone might speak with three or four people at an event, exchange contact information, and then follow up later.

After following up, you would naturally narrow things down. You might decide after a phone call or two that someone isn’t what you expected and move on. That process of elimination is very similar to what happens on dating apps now, just faster.

On apps, that elimination can also happen through ghosting. You might talk to someone for a couple of days, feel a connection, and then stop hearing from them. Often, that is because the other person is also talking to several people and has shifted their focus elsewhere.

In that sense, dating has always involved a process of elimination. Stack dating is a more explicit way of describing something that has long existed.

Jacobsen: Chris, any final thoughts on stacking for this session?

Louis: Yes. Stack dating has a natural endpoint. It ends when one person earns exclusivity. The goal is not to date indefinitely, but to find a match—someone you want to build a relationship with.

Stack dating ends when, over time, your actions and values align with someone else’s. Whether you are dating two people or four, the goal is to determine whether there is mutual alignment and whether moving into a relationship makes sense. At that point, there should be clarity and no pressure.

The purpose of stack dating is to give you space to see what you are looking for clearly. Even if you are dating several people—let’s say up to five—it does not automatically mean you are ready for a relationship. There may still be internal work to do, such as building self-awareness, self-worth, confidence, and personal growth.

This approach can provide clarity without pressure, as long as you are honest, ethical, and open with everyone involved. It is essential to keep people informed about where you are, because leading someone on is where disappointment arises and where the process can turn negative.

Jacobsen: Chris, thank you very much for your time today. I appreciate it. 

Louis: Thank you, Scott. Have a great day.

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