Anthony Canapi on Banksying, Ghosting, and Emotional Accountability in Modern LGBTQ+ Dating
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/10/25
Anthony Canapi, MA, MFT-T is an award-winning LGBTQ+ dating expert and the Founder & CEO of Best Man Matchmaking and Transcend Matchmaking. Recognized by DatingNews.com as one of the Best Gay Dating Coaches of 2024, Anthony is a trailblazer in LGBTQPIA+ dating, relationships, and mental health. Best Man Matchmaking serves professional Gay, Bi, Trans, and Queer+ singles, while Transcend Matchmaking is the world’s first nonprofit matchmaking service for Trans and Non-Binary communities. Anthony holds a Master’s in Clinical Psychology, specializing in LGBT-Affirmative Psychology at Antioch University Los Angeles, blending psychology, empathy, and coaching to foster authentic, lasting connections.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Why do people engage in “banksying,” and how does it differ from ghosting?
Anthony Canapi: There are many reasons why people engage in banksying. For the most part, the biggest significance lies within commitment towards exclusivity, and that can pertain to the following reasons:
- Emotional Intimacy: Some people crave that connection, but don’t have the bandwidth to commit because it becomes overwhelming or the one banksying fears for their own independence, and rather of banksy.
- Accountability: It’s easier for them to vanish than to have a conversation like: “This was great, but I’m not ready.” Stupid and annoying- I know.
- Narcissism/Love Bombing: Some individuals enjoy being someone’s “unforgettable” experience. They want to leave a mark, but not stay around.
- Insecure: People who feel they don’t deserve love or fear eventual rejection might pull a “Banksy” before they get hurt and feel it’s the easier out rather than being honest, as well as feel if they do pull a “Banksy”, the other person will get the hint, but actuality, causes more harm.
- Emotional Maturity: People like to get to the actual relationship/exclusivity without putting in the work, and tend to speed up the process and rush rather than going at a organic pace.
Jacobsen: What are the psychological effects of being “banksied” on the person left behind?
Canapi: As a MFT-T, this can lead to cognitive dissonance: the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change. You’re left thinking: “How could someone who seemed so into me just disappear?” They then start thinking they’re the issue, when actually, if you’ve been Banksy’d, it’s more about them than you. It’s a red flag in disguise.
Jacobsen: What does this trend say about modern dating and emotional accountability?
Canapi: This harmful trend is now becoming a reality, and showcases an individuals level towards emotional accountability. It highlights some of the dater’s harsh truths about how they connect with others, detach, and often how they take responsibility, in this case, not a good light.As one of the Top Gay Matchmaker in America, with the rise of dating apps and social media influencing, the harm is that it makes that much easier to create intense emotional intimacy quickly that can leave to more harm depending on the level of deep chats, love-bombing, trauma-dumping one does to another. Banksying is, at its core, a disappearing act to avoid emotional consequences, and in turn, you’re causing so much more harm because it’s promoting closure as optional; “If I were to banksy them, they will get the hint that I’m not interested”, but fail to realize you’re leaving someone at a cognitive rumination, where they replay everything trying to find clues or mistakes on what went wrong, when you’re the one who has done wrong because you couldn’t speak up.
Jacobsen: How can people recognize it early and protect their emotional health?
Canapi: If they are interested in you, they will make it known BY ACTIONS. If someone is banksying you, find the clues:
- Are they coming off too strong?
- Are they diving into topics that are sensitive and overwhelming on you?
- Are their words not matching their actions?
- Are they giving you clues (I’m a complicated person OR I’m not used to being so serious with someone before)
- Do they dodge the topics of exclusivity or relationship
On top of that, ask yourself where do you position yourself, and give yourself that power to step away:
- Take time to build trust before getting emotionally invested.
- Keep a mental checklist: Are they reliable? Do they follow through? Do they vanish and reappear? Do I feel safe and seen, or just emotionally dazzled?
- Value your boundaries
- Don’t let a boy dictate your life- stay connected to your friends, routines, and self-worth. Don’t let someone’s poetic exit become your emotional unraveling.
Jacobsen: What advice would you give to those who may be tempted to fade out of relationships this way?
Canapi: First of all, don’t banksy, aha, but if you do feel detachment, ask yourself:
- Am I feeling overwhelmed?
- Am I scared of intimacy, rejection, or hurting them?
- Do I genuinely not want this, or am I afraid of being vulnerable or honest?
The harsh truth is that you need to make it known so you don’t waste their time, but your own time. If you made someone feel seen, safe, or excited, and then go bye bye, your absence echoes loudly. Although it’s hard, and it’s not fun to be truthful and honest, that’s what you signed up for dating. It’s easier to say:
- I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m not in a place to continue this.
- I realized I’m not ready for something deeper. You deserve someone who is.
Than throwing a banksy. Yes- it will make the other person feel down on themselves, but like life, it goes on, and we keep going and move on.
If you’ve Banksy’d someone before, you’re a villain if you don’t take accountability. Yes- you may be a person trying to navigate modern dating, maybe without the tools or emotional safety to do it well, but there’s a way to do it ethically and that respects the other person. Next time, leave clarity, not confusion.
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Anthony.
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