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Ask Mandisa 36 – Monofaith, Interfaith, and Mixed Belief Partnerships


Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen

Publication (Outlet/Website): Canadian Atheist

Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2019/10/23

Mandisa Thomas, a native of New York City, is the founder and President of Black Nonbelievers, Inc. Although never formally indoctrinated into belief, Mandisa was heavily exposed to Christianity, Black Nationalism, and Islam. As a child she loved reading, and enjoyed various tales of Gods from different cultures, including Greek and Ghanaian. “Through reading these stories and being taught about other cultures at an early age, I quickly noticed that there were similarities and differences between those deities and the God of the Christian Bible. I couldn’t help but wonder what made this God so special that he warrants such prevalence today,” she recalls.

Mandisa has many media appearances to her credit, including CBS Sunday, and Playboy, The Humanist, and JET magazines. She has been a guest on podcasts such as The Humanist Hour and Ask an Atheist, as well as the documentaries Contradiction and My Week in Atheism. Mandisa currently serves on the Board for American Atheists and the American Humanist Association, and previously for Foundation Beyond Belief, the 2016 Reason Rally Coalition, and the Secular Coalition for America. She is also an active speaker and has presented at conferences/conventions for the Freedom from Religion Foundation, Secular Student Alliance, and many others.

In 2019, Mandisa was the recipient of the Secular Student Alliance’s Backbone Award and named the Freedom from Religion Foundation’s Freethought Heroine. She was also the Unitarian Universalist Humanist Association’s Person of the Year 2018.

As the president of Black Nonbelievers, Inc., Mandisa encourages more Blacks to come out and stand strong with their nonbelief in the face of such strong religious overtones.

“The more we make our presence known, the better our chances of working together to turn around some of the disparities we face. We are NOT alone.”

Here, we talk about complications of interfaith and secular partnerships, and more.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: If we’re looking at a number of contexts of partnerships, it can be complicated. One can be a secular person with a secular person and another can be the common one of a religious person with a religious person. There can be complications of interfaith partnerships. There can also be the complications of a secular person with a religious person.

The complications might not necessarily be between them. It might be between those two individuals of those who they love but who have misgivings about either religion or about atheism, agnosticism, or secular thought and people in general. How do you navigate that context?

Thomas: Wow. It’s interesting because these types of scenarios are on a case-by-case basis. You do have some successful relationships that are interfaith. One partner may be religious, and the other a nonbeliever. There are many instances where these identities were known upfront or at the beginning. So if partners come to an understanding and it isn’t an issue, then that’s great.

However, in my engagement with many BN members, the couples start off religious, and then one partner starts questioning, and eventually transition away from the beliefs. And then that becomes an issue, especially when there are kids involved. There’s often tough discussions about whether or not the children should still attend church. Also, there’s pressure from the religious partner to maintain appearances, which can definitely be an issue.

In the cases where both partners are non-religious, they still face family pressure. That was certainly the case with one of our former organizers whose husband passed away. We found out later that her husband was agnostic. Apparently, they were surrounding herself with religious family members and friends on both sides – which in itself, isn’t objectionable. However, once a person steps up to a leadership role in a secular organization, volunteer or not, there’s an expectation that they will stand up for themselves in some way, and command respect for their position. There’s more that I can say about this particular situation, but I will refrain for the sake of my sanity. 

It’s always up to the individual to what they can withstand or put up with. I do not encourage anyone to cave in to pressure, but I do understand how maintaining a cohesive family unit can be important.

So, the individuals and the partners involved really need to communicate. This is very important.

Jacobsen: What about when things go wrong? How do you break the glass, get the fire extinguisher, and cool things down?

Thomas: Speaking of cooling, the first thing…

Jacobsen: [Laughing].

Thomas: …is to make sure that cooler heads prevail. There may be times where things get so tense and may become volatile, but it’s always important that the people involved are speaking objectively, and that they are listening to each other as opposed to just yelling or responding out of sheer anger. That tends to make the situation more difficult.

What I also suggest, if possible, is therapy or clinical help. Preferably with a secular therapist, someone who’s not just gonna tell them to pray on it or give it to God.

Jacobsen: [Laughing].

Thomas: In these situations, I always contend that the problems are a buildup. The fallout doesn’t just occur overnight. It will take the individuals not only being honest with each other, but also themselves about what the concerns are, and how to resolve them.

Because there’s never a problem that is resolved with repetition of the same tactics. It really takes an honest assessment, and the ability to be vulnerable and open to new options.

This can determine whether the problems are solvable or not, and how to move forward from whatever point. Again, it’s different for everyone. They may have similar outcomes but not the same. Again, it all depends on the people, as well as the support system around them.

That’s a lot to take into consideration, but when the relationship is at a crisis point, then it’s important to make sure all of that is at hand.

Jacobsen: What if someone can’t afford a therapist?

Thomas: That’s a very real and good question, because that is very much the case for people. There are many online resources, especially Recovering from Religion, which has a hotline for people to call when they are in need of help – at no chargeThey also facilitate the Secular Therapy Project, an online network of secular therapists. One can always check to see if these professionals are in their insurance network too, which may help tremendously.

So, I highly recommend people seeking them out. Also, they can look into their local secular organization to find a leader or organizer. They may have referrals to other resources that are either free or low-cost. But starting with an organization like Recovering from Religion would be a great start.

Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Mandisa.

Thomas: Thank you. 


In-Sight Publishing by Scott Douglas Jacobsen is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. Based on a work at


© Scott Douglas Jacobsen and In-Sight Publishing 2012-Present. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Scott Douglas Jacobsen and In-Sight Publishing with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. All interviewees and authors co-copyright their material and may disseminate for their independent purposes.

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