Sofie Roos on Building Authentic Chemistry and Avoiding Dating Pitfalls
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/08/26
Sofie Roos is a licensed sexologist and relationship therapist with over 18 years of experience. Based in Stockholm, she specializes in sexual health, intimacy, and couples therapy. She works at Venhälsan and writes for Passionerad, offering expert guidance on sex, relationships, STDs, and sex toys to diverse audiences. In this interview with Scott Douglas Jacobsen, she discusses why instant attraction is overrated, the psychological traits that make people more appealing, and how authenticity fuels chemistry. Roos explains the value of emotional connection, embracing imperfections, and balancing mystery with honesty. She also highlights common dating app mistakes and shares practical tips for improving real-life and online dating success. Roos writes for Sweden’s Passionerad: https://passionerad.se/.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: What one piece of dating advice is completely wrong?
Sofie Roos: That you need to immediately feel attracted to your date, and that if not being so after the first date, then there’s no need to meet again.
While the old “Do you believe in love at first sight?” does happen, that’s a rarity, because most happy long-term romantic relationships grow over time, and have a starting curve that’s quite slow, which for example is why two co-workers or friends suddenly can start dating each other; because romantic feelings easily grow if first knowing the person.
So, just because you don’t feel “This is the love of my life” the second you meet someone for a date, that doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to fall in love – so give people more chances than just one or two encounters – that can many times lead to happy long-term relationships!
Jacobsen: What are the big psychological factors making someone more attractive?
Roos: The three biggest ones are intelligence, humor and signaling that you’re secure in yourself, such as by talking calmly, being able to look someone in the eye, stand for who you are, what you believe in and being able to shot that with respect.
So being able to have deep, entertaining and interesting conversations, but also to laugh your pants off, all while doing it in a way that feels like the “real” you, meaning it comes in an authentic way, will make you way more attractive.
“If you can make them laugh, then you can kiss them!”.
Jacobsen: What trick can be used to create authentic chemistry?
Roos: To create an authentic feeling, you must be authentic, this by being in the moment and truly seeing your date, but also by opening up yourself.
This can be done by asking questions, and be brave and go for the bit more personal, deep or edgy ones and not only keep it to “What you’re working with?” kind of Q’s.
To truly listen, and not only hear your date, will also create more authenticity, something you can do by looking them in the eyes while they’re talking, nodding your head, or smile when they tell something funny to confirm that you hear them, as well as by asking good follow-ups.
Generally, the more curious you are, and the more you open up, the more you’ll get back – this as long as you create an atmosphere where it feels safe to talk deeply. However, this has to be done with fingertip feel, and you don’t want to push the conversation so your date becomes uncomfortable.
Also, throwing in some sense of humor with a few fun stories or jokes in between the serious talk creates a more dynamic conversation, which also is great if wanting it to become more authentic!
And, as you already know: try to be yourself, because if not, you’re creating an atmosphere which per se isn’t authentic, since you’re not even true with who you are.
Jacobsen: Why do small imperfections make someone more likable and attractive?
Roos: Because it shows that a person is human and real, which makes someone come off as more genuine and authentic, since we know that no one is perfect!
If you never show any imperfections, it’s very easy to get sceptical and think that this “must be too good to be true” – so don’t be afraid to show your small shortcomings even early on while dating – that will just make you more likable!
Jacobsen: How important is emotional connection before physical intimacy?
Roos: For most people, it’s key to be able to be intimate in a way that feels comfortable, but also truly enjoyable.
There’s a big difference in getting intimate with someone you know, and someone you don’t know, with the first being a much deeper experience where you truly can relax and open up in a whole different way.
Therefore, focusing on the emotional bond before thinking about “making the move” physically, should be your prioritization, because if you can make your date feel emotionally safe with you, and that you have an emotional bond, they will want to be close to you physically as well, and that part will happen almost by itself in a way that feels very natural and not forced at all!
Jacobsen: How do you balance being a little mysterious with staying authentic?
Roos: To stay mysterious, you should try to get your date to have questions about you, something that can be done by for example not telling all the spicy details you come into.
To have intense but quite short meetings is also a great way to become more mysterious. Make sure that you have an honest date with great talk, intense emotions between you and with a flirty feeling, but keep it quite short – make your date want to know more about you when you leave!
This can for example be done by not letting them know all about you directly. Keep things for later!
So, to become a bit more mysterious, it’s actually mostly about not showing everything right away, but to make your date have some questions about who you are. So integrity goes along well with creating mystery!
However, to be authentic at the same time, you must be yourself and make your date feel that you’re not playing any character or game here, but that you’re truly honest with who you are, that you’re open with your intentions and that you’re curious about the other person – so it’s a thin line being authentic and mysterious at the same time, especially if the mysteriousness doesn’t come so naturally to you, because you don’t want to “play it” since that doesn’t come off as authentic!
If you feel like this, you come a long way by just saving a little of yourself for later, and by not being so pushy, and instead have a “relaxed” feeling to it all!
Jacobsen: What are common mistakes people make on dating apps?
Roos: The number one mistake is not having an opener that’s interesting enough.
There’s so many people on dating apps that draw our attention, especially for women, so writing something plain as a “Hey” or “Wyd?”, will most times not do it, and once you shoot your shot and don’t manage to get their attention, then your chance is often gone.
So, try to be a bit original in your openings, and ideally write something that makes them interested in keep hearing more of whatever you first wrote – whether or not it’s a joke, a story or a compliment (such as “You know what’s most beautiful with you?”).
Secondly, so many people tend to not give a great picture of who you are – both when it comes to your looks, for example by just using selfies, but also when it comes to not adding in a bit of personal information, no matter if it’s your music taste, hobbies, what you’re working with or a silly joke you find funny.
Another common mistake is to be too sexually orientated – especially if actually looking for something serious, both with your pictures and your bio (the things you write) in your dating profile, but also when it comes to the conversations.
Even though the culture is quite sexual on many dating apps, it’s hard to pull that off, especially in the beginning of a conversation.
So, if you want to meet people for more serious dating purposes, try to be a bit more longterm, and don’t think you “must” be sexual just because that’s how many people do it online.
And last but not least – do not put too much energy into getting to “know” someone online. If you are interested in someone, instead try to schedule a physical date in some public place quite quickly.
It’s only first when you meet up in real life you can get a feeling for if you are vibing or not, and many times, spending so much energy, time and thought on someone based on only texting, then later turns out to just be a big disappointment when finally meeting up.
Jacobsen: If you could give one underrated psychological trick to improve someone’s dating life, what it it?
Roos: Think to yourself what you’re worth and good enough of this person before starting to flirt with them, something that will create a more mysterious, charming and attractive approach, especially when dating in real life.
If you truly believe you are worthy of this person, you won’t become too needy or desperate, but instead be able to keep your integrity and awaken an interest in the other person, since they won’t feel as if they’re having the “upper hand”.
One could say confidence, but not in a douchey way – rather in a romantic, sexy, mysterious, charming and flirty way, where the one you’re hitting on can’t decide weather or not you think they’re the loveliest person you’ve ever met, or if you just as well could walk out the door and never think of them again.
So when shooting your shot – do it properly, and show your intentions in a way that feels like they don’t want to miss this opportunity!
Bottom line – if you truly think you’re worth dating someone, they will start thinking that it’s worth giving you a chance too!
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Sofie.
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