How Body Language Reflects Emotional Connection in Relationships: Insights from Therapist Thomas Westenholz
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/06/25
Thomas Westenholz is a couple therapist based in Brighton and Hove, UK, specializing in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Somatic Trauma Therapy. Through his practice at WAVO LTD and the Couples in Focus podcast, he helps partners break destructive patterns and rebuild emotional connection using honest, grounded, and research-informed approaches. Westenholz explains how posture, touch, and eye contact reflect emotional connection in romantic relationships. Drawing on Emotionally Focused and Somatic Therapy, he highlights body language as an early warning system, shaped by trauma and culture, and key to rebuilding trust, safety, and attunement between partners.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: How do posture, touch, and eye contact reflect the emotional state of a romantic relationship?
Thomas Westenholtz: Posture: I look for signs such as whether their frontal bodies are facing each other and how far apart they are standing or sitting from each other. Are arms crossed or open?
Couples that feel more connected, open, and safe with each other tend to point their bodies towards each other, while disconnected, angry, or resentful couples tend to turn more away.
Arms tend to be open and relaxed, while crossed arms often show defensiveness. This is typically seen in a more avoidant partner protecting themselves from criticism.
Touch is a very significant bonding cue for humans. Couples who feel safe and connected again tend to touch each other far more. Touch (unless there is substantial trauma) tends to soothe and calm the nervous system, making us more receptive to our partner. It also releases bonding hormones such as oxytocin.
A hand touching a hand, a hug, a hand on a shoulder. These are signs of affection and facilitate bonding.
Lack of touch is also common in couples who feel disconnected and either have had some traumatic fracture or where resentment is present.
However, we can’t look at touch in isolation without seeing the context. Touch plays an even more significant role when one partner is in distress, and couples who feel safe and close tend to touch each other more in distress. In contrast, a lack of touch can be a warning sign that they cannot respond and support each other in key moments of distress, leading to loneliness and distress.
Eye contact, similar to touch, also shows the comfort and ease a couple has with each other. Couples who struggle with emotional vulnerability tend to find it hard to have eye contact when speaking about more vulnerable parts. They will look down (shame) or away (avoidance).
Eye contact also releases bonding hormones and is an important cue to regulate each other, as it says, “I am here with you. You are not alone”.
Jacobsen: What subtle body language cues indicate emotional disconnection between partners?
Westenholtz: Turning away, looking away, withholding touch, rolling eye. “Follow the toes, knees and eyes, and you will see where they want to be” — coupletherapy.earth
Are they looking to move away from discomfort or towards someone?
Jacobsen: How can body language serve as an early warning system?
Westenholtz: As John Gottman’s research showed, when couples reach with contempt, they are far more likely to end in divorce/separation.
Contempt is turning their back on someone, rolling their eyes.
It communicates “you do not matter to me, I do not care for you”
When I notice a lack of touch during distress or a couple’s body language turns away from each other, then it’s a warning system that their safety (the foundation for any long-term relationship) is in trouble.
They are no longer relating (trying to understand each other’s world); they are busy protecting themselves.
Jacobsen: How do cultural norms influence the interpretation of romantic body language?
Westenholtz: While I am not an expert on all world cultures, it does have an impact.
Some of these signs are universal. However, some cultures normalise touch more than others. Even within Europe, imagine British vs Italians.
Some cultures also have different customs around eye contact. Similar to some cultures, touch is not permitted in public.
My responses are very much through a Western lens. However, we do know that before a child is shaped by its culture, they naturally seek eye contact and touch from their caregiver to soothe, and so it’s universal something our nervous system responds to.
Culture primarily impacts what is permitted and our meaning-making (cognitive processing) of what is happening.
Jacobsen: Can couples become more attuned to nonverbal emotional signals?
Westenholtz: The attunement to these signals is hardwired or created very early, when the brain has the highest neuroplasticity.
And so, unlike logic reasoning, we can pick this up and respond with approach/avoid behaviour before we even have language.
Yes, couples can learn to read this, and in my couples therapy, I help couples notice their nonverbal signals, which are body language and tonality.
This means they can be aware of the signals they send that cause their partner more distress and which comfort them. And it’s this map of themselves and their partner that helps them respond in new ways and create a new cycle of connection.
Jacobsen: What are common misconceptions about body language in romantic relationships?
Westenholtz: I think the most common is simply the lack of awareness of what signals we are sending out with our body language, and that we are often stuck in trying to solve an issue using logic when our bodies communicate far more than our words.
Saying “I love you” while walking away with our back turned to our partner feels very different in their emotional brain (limbic system) than if we are looking into their eyes, holding their hand and saying “I love you”
Jacobsen: How might trauma or attachment history impact the expression or interpretation of romantic body language?
Westenholtz: Excellent question.
Trauma interrupts the processing of signals, as there tends to be either numbing or hyper-vigilance, so the system is alert to danger.
People who have had severe trauma tend to send more defensive cues as they are more self-protective. Escalation tends to happen much faster and more extreme as small signals that a calm nervous system would see as a simply “he is walking away, to get to work on time” can be seen as “he does not care about me” and so that simple turning away can be interpreted in different ways. A more traumatised brain tends to look for the danger cue and would see the second option. This is just an example.
Trauma can strongly impact our interpretation of body language, as what would usually not be a danger cue suddenly becomes one.
They are also more likely to send hostile or defensive body language to protect themselves from imaginary dangers.
Jacobsen: In emotionally focused or somatically based therapy, how is body language used?
Westenholtz: In somatic trauma work, we help the person notice their bodily sensations. What tends to happen in trauma is a disconnect between the bodily sensation, which biologically is one of the three compasses we have to navigate back into balance (logic/cognition, emotion & sensations).
By becoming more aware of their sensation, they can begin to regulate and take actions to get themselves back in a calm place.
An example of how body language could be used is teaching someone bodily boundaries by slowly walking towards them, and they say stop when something in their body feels uncomfortable.
In Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, we make people aware of how they react in their bodies and notice sensations. Someone could start to fiddle their fingers suddenly, and I might say “x, I noticed you started to fiddle your finger when Y said x, can you help me understand what’s happening for you right now?”
It brings awareness to their body language and sensations so they can start to navigate the world and their relationship better. Without the three compasses, it’s easy to get lost.
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Thomas.
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