How Reading the Room Strengthens Long-Term Relationships: Body Language, Emotional Cues, and Connection

Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen

Publication (Outlet/Website): A Further Inquiry

Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/06/13

Part 2 of 4

Christopher Louis is a Los Angeles–based international dating and relationship coach and founder of Dating Intelligence. As host of the Dating Intelligence Podcast, Louis draws on intuition and lived experience to guide clients toward authentic selves and meaningful romantic connections. Louis explores the crucial role of “reading the room” in long-term relationships. They emphasize how misreading cues—like ignoring body language, emotional withdrawal, or passive-aggressive behavior—can erode connection over time. Louis underscores the importance of eye contact, presence, and nonverbal communication, especially for introverts or those less attuned to emotional signals. Through personal stories and therapeutic insight, they reveal that maintaining awareness, checking in regularly, and developing attuned body language are key to preserving intimacy and emotional safety. Relationships thrive when both partners stay emotionally and physically present.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: What about reading the room in a relationship, not just while dating?

Christopher Louis: Absolutely. This applies even more in long-term relationships. Everyone’s had moments where they misread a partner’s signals. Whether it’s misreading sexual cues—like making an advance when your partner isn’t in the mood—or going in for a kiss too early in a new relationship and getting that “Whoa, I wasn’t ready” response.

Misreading usually happens when focusing only on one’s feelings or expectations. One is not tuned in to the other person, and that’s a critical mistake. For example, say you come home, and your spouse is drained after a long day. Still, you immediately start bombarding them with questions or problems. That’s reading the room wrong.

Or maybe your partner is mad at you, and you’re unaware. You walk in the door and ask, “What’s wrong?” They look at you like, “Really?” Suddenly, doors slam, sighs are heavy, and things are being moved forcefully. That’s body language—loud, emotional, nonverbal communication—but many people miss it.

Why? Because they are stuck in their heads. They are not present. They are not projecting awareness outward. You must consciously observe the signals your partner sends—verbal and nonverbal.

Jacobsen: It’s interesting—fighting, like language itself, is partly innate and partly learned. Structurally, we all have the capacity for language, but what we speak and how we use it is shaped by our environment. Body language in conflict is the same—culturally layered but personally developed over time.

Louis: It’s the same with conflict styles. That’s why we talk about different “fighting styles.” Over time, you and your partner develop your way of arguing—hopefully resolving things. You figure out what works and what doesn’t, whether it’s with verbal cues or nonverbal ones. It becomes a learned rhythm, and if done right, it’s balanced. Even fighting can have its emotional intelligence when both people are attuned.

When you walk into a room and your partner is mad—but they’re completely quiet—that’s one of the most powerful body language cues. Silence can be just as expressive as words. If you’re asking questions and getting nothing but a quiet “Mmmhmm” or a cold shoulder, that’s a signal. But many people are too afraid to say, “Hey, what’s wrong?” because they fear the answer or do not know how to handle the tension.

Silence—whether someone is sad, mad, or withdrawn—is honestly one of the most complex forms of body language to interpret but also one of the most important to recognize. It can speak volumes without saying a word.

Jacobsen: That reminds me of an episode of House, M.D.—the show with the sarcastic, brilliant, but abrasive doctor. In one of the final episodes, House turns around and snaps, “Life is pain.” It was like a burst of unspoken emotion building since Season 1. Left unspoken for too long, that emotional repression can become unhealthy.

Louis: That’s exactly it. Many people bottle things up, and then it bursts out in unhealthy ways. But those silent moments become easier to read when you’re in a healthy relationship and know your partner well. You start to pick up on subtle cues. It is all trial and error. You win and lose some, but hopefully, you learn from the missteps and better recognize the signals.

Especially when you’re dealing with someone who’s passive-aggressive—that’s a big one. That passive-aggressive behaviour becomes a pattern whether it’s a partner, child, or close friend. At some point, you realize this is how they operate. But if you want to break through that, you have to create space for direct communication.

I tell people to start naming it gently. Say something like, “I see that you’re being quiet,” or “I notice you’re doing this or that—do you want to talk?” That’s how you start building better communication habits. Passive-aggressive behaviour is a form of body language, and if both people are passive-aggressive in a relationship, it can lead to serious communication breakdowns.

Jacobsen: Now, shifting a bit—how does body language evolve from early dating into long-term relationships? Older couples often seem more emotionally regulated and calmer. But are there consistent patterns in body language over time, or is it more individualized? Can you tell from observation whether a long-term relationship is healthy or not?

Louis: Great question. Everyone goes through the “honeymoon phase” at the beginning of a relationship. That’s when you’re on a euphoric high. Everything feels exciting; physical touch is frequent, eye contact is constant, and energy flows.

During that phase, body language is almost always positive—open posture, leaning in, smiling, touching, and verbal affirmations. But eventually, that honeymoon phase fades. That’s when the real work begins.

And here’s where it gets interesting: in healthy relationships, even after the initial spark cools, the couple develops a new, deeper layer of body language. It becomes more nuanced, more attuned. They might not always touch as much, but it is intentional and meaningful when they do. Their eye contact might be softer, less intense, but more grounding.

In contrast, in unhealthy relationships, body language becomes either avoidant—closed off, minimal physical connection—or reactive—short fuses, crossed arms, avoidance, or defensiveness. So yes, there are general patterns. You can often tell the state of a relationship just by watching how a couple sits together, how they respond to each other, and how they lean—or do not—toward each other.

That long-term body language isn’t about fireworks anymore; it is about safety, presence, and emotional alignment. That’s the gold standard. My wife—my partner—told me something that stuck with me the other day. She said, “Chris, I was watching this movie, and a couple was kissing on screen. It reminded me of us when we first started dating.” And I said, “Well, we still kiss like that.” And she replied, “No… not like that.” And I was like, “Oh… okay. Yes.”

She meant that spark—that energy you have initially during the euphoric honeymoon stage. It made me pause and think over the past few days: How do I bring that back?What must I work on to help her feel that way again? And that’s me paying attention. That’s the work.

So, to answer your question—about long-term relationships and how body language evolves—I think what happens is that many couples, over time, get complacent. It is normal. It happens. But I always say that couples need to check in with each other intentionally.

At least once a month, sit down together and ask, “How are we doing sexually? How are we doing emotionally? How’s our communication? How are we handling finances?” That regular check-in helps maintain that emotional connection, and when you’re emotionally connected, your body language tends to stay positive—more open, more attuned, more affectionate.

As time passes, your ability to read one another improves—whether it is subtle tension, playful flirting, or just spotting when something feels off. And when that’s nurtured, your relationship doesn’t flatline—it grows deeper.

Jacobsen: That makes sense. Relationships are dynamic—they ebb and flow. Sometimes, one partner is doing well, and the other is down. Other times, you’re both flying or struggling. But you stay aligned as long as there’s mutual awareness and ongoing conversation. It is like a relational system of checks and balances.

Louis: If you are not checking in regularly, what happens? The couple becomes more like roommates. You lose each other. You drift. That spark fades. And sometimes, if that goes on too long, it leads to separation or divorce. But here’s the truth-finding your way back is not hard. You need to notice before it is too late.

Jacobsen: Some people are naturally gifted at this—reading signals and knowing how to respond. But others might need guidance. For those who are not naturally intuitive or in the early stages of a relationship, what are some foundational things to focus on?

Louis: Great point. First and foremost, I always come back to listening. That’s number one. But listening is not just with your ears—it is with your presence. It is about showing that you are fully engaged, including body language. Eye contact, posture, turning toward your partner—these are all part of active listening.

So, I encourage my clients who are shy or introverted—maybe socially reserved—to start small. Make eye contact when your partner speaks. Nod, smile, and respond. These little things send a clear message: I’m here. I’m with you.

That level of attentiveness creates connection, and everything else—trust, affection, communication—can start to build. For introverts, body language can be complicated to get right. Many introverted people tend to close themselves off physically. Their heads are often down, their arms crossed, and their body language tight. And even though they want to engage—they’re interested—they may be afraid to project outward. They are not naturally expressive in an extroverted way.

So I tell my introverted clients this: first, you must keep your head up and make direct eye contact with the person you’re speaking to, especially when that person is talking to you. Eye contact is crucial.

Sometimes, I work with clients over Zoom; they talk while looking at the sky or all over the room. And I have to say, “Hey, I’m over here. If your eyes are darting everywhere, I will start wondering, What are you looking at? What’s going on over there?” It becomes distracting, and you lose your listener’s attention.

Jacobsen: Right—where your eyes go, their focus goes.

Louis: So I coach both my male and female clients—especially those who are shy or anxious—on this one simple habit: when you’re on a date, keep your eyes on the person you’re with. Direct eye contact shows presence and interest. It says I’m here, I’m engaged, and you matter.

If your eyes shift, your head is bobbing like a bobblehead, and your attention is scattered, it sends mixed signals. You may be interested, but you’re not showing it. And that gap between intention and expression is where connection gets lost.

So, I actively work on this with my clients, especially introverts. I see it even in everyday situations: I make it a point to maintain direct eye contact with my partner or talk with friends. And sometimes, I have to remind myself, “Stay focused. Pay attention.” It is something we can all improve.

And here’s the thing—sometimes just that eye contact and body language is enough to get you a second date. Unless…

Jacobsen: Unless the guy says something too stupid?

Louis: That’s what many women say: “He’s in—unless he says something dumb.” [Laughing] There’s an old Chris Rock bit about that. He jokes, “I was gonna give him some… then he started talking.” And he just yakked himself out of it.

Jacobsen: The “yacking man-child” syndrome.

Louis: Yep, that’s the one. To sum it up, eye contact is number one. It sets the tone. If you can’t get that right, the rest of the conversation won’t matter much.

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