Dating Intelligently 3: Infidelity, Trust, and Healing

Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen

Publication (Outlet/Website): The Good Men Project

Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/08/13

Christopher Louis is a Los Angeles–based international dating and relationship coach and the founder of Dating Intelligence. As host of the Dating Intelligence Podcast, Louis draws on intuition and lived experience to guide clients toward authentic selves and meaningful romantic connections.

In this insightful conversation, international dating coach and Dating Intelligence Podcast host Christopher Louis speaks with Scott Douglas Jacobsen about the emotional complexity of infidelity. Louis shares expert perspectives on trust, betrayal, attachment styles, and how individuals and couples can heal after cheating occurs. He discusses the psychological and evolutionary dimensions of infidelity, the gendered nuances in how it’s perceived, and why communication and accountability are key to recovery. Through personal anecdotes and client experiences, Louis emphasizes that while cheating often stems from unmet emotional needs, relationships can recover—with honesty, boundaries, and a commitment to change.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Today, once again, we’re here with the fantastic Christopher Louis. We’re going to talk about a complex subject—one that I think many people have experienced, or at least know someone who has. Infidelity. It’s something that, unfortunately, many people go through. In your practice—one of your businesses—people often come to you during these painful circumstances. So, let’s begin there. What do you define as an “unfortunate circumstance,” and how do you position yourself as a steady, guiding presence for someone working through that process?

Christopher Louis: Hi, Scott. Yes, today’s topic is infidelity, and it’s a big one. It’s almost taboo in many relationships. Some people would rather not know, and others, when they do find out, react with overwhelming emotions—anger, betrayal, sadness. But it’s a reality that many people face, and that’s what we’re going to discuss today.

Jacobsen: Let’s start historically. How was infidelity understood in prior generations—say, in the early 20th century or even before that? Has our understanding changed over time?

Louis: That’s a great question. Historically, infidelity has always been a serious issue, but the way society responds to it has changed. In earlier generations—especially before the 20th century—infidelity was often judged more harshly for women than for men. In many cultures, a man’s unfaithfulness was more socially tolerated. At the same time, a woman’s could lead to severe consequences, including social ostracism or worse. In modern times, we have more gender equity in how infidelity is perceived and handled. However, it’s still a harrowing experience. Whether in the past or now, the emotional impact tends to follow the same core narrative: betrayal, broken trust, and the question of what comes next.

Jacobsen: You mentioned earlier about men and the evolutionary lens some people use to explain infidelity. Can you unpack that a bit?

Louis: Sure. There’s an evolutionary psychology perspective that suggests men may have evolved with a predisposition to seek multiple partners, primarily for reproductive purposes. The basic idea is that, biologically, males can father many children in a short time, whereas females have a longer reproductive investment. This has led some to argue that men may have a natural inclination to seek variety. But we have to be very careful with this. Just because a behaviour has evolutionary roots doesn’t mean it’s justified or acceptable in modern relationships. We’re not lions. We’re human beings with the ability to make choices based on ethics, empathy, and mutual respect. So while biology may explain some impulses, infidelity is much more often about emotional needs not being met—feeling unseen, undervalued, or disconnected from one’s partner.

Jacobsen: So it’s not just about sex—it’s also about validation and emotional connection?

Louis: Exactly. In my experience, one of the most common drivers of infidelity is the desire for validation. When someone feels ignored or emotionally distant in their relationship, attention from someone else can feel intoxicating. It’s not always about physical desire—it’s often about being seen, heard, and appreciated. Of course, that doesn’t excuse the behaviour. But understanding the why helps us address the root of the issue—whether that’s healing the relationship or helping someone move on more healthily.

Jacobsen: So, when someone first discovers infidelity and comes to you, what does that initial phase look like? How do you help them get to a calmer, more reflective state where real conversation can begin?

Louis: The first step is always to allow space for the emotional reaction—whether it’s anger, grief, confusion, or shock. There’s no rushing that. Once they begin to stabilize emotionally, we can start a more thoughtful conversation about what happened, what it means to them, and what they want moving forward. Sometimes that means helping couples have honest discussions about their relationship. Other times, it’s supporting someone individually through the grieving process and into a place of clarity and self-worth.

So, first and foremost, once a person finds out about infidelity, they need to acknowledge their emotions, because they’re going to run hot. You’re going to feel a wide range of emotions: anger, sadness, confusion, and hurt. That emotional response is natural. The most essential thing in the beginning is to recognize and validate those feelings. You need to understand why you’re feeling the way you are before you’re able to return to your partner and have a mature, communicative conversation about the “how” and the “why” of what happened.

The next step is to decide what you want to do moving forward. Consider your options. Do you want to try to repair the relationship, or do you feel it’s best to move on? Regardless of what you choose, a clear conversation needs to happen with your partner. You’ll need to talk openly about what happened, how it happened, and why it happened, to determine the path forward.

A key part of that process is directly addressing the infidelity. Whether you found out by accident, caught them in the act, or heard it from someone else, the reality is—you’ll have to confront your partner. And when you do, you have to try to remain calm, speak clearly, and express your feelings of hurt and betrayal constructively.

Now here’s the caveat: your partner may be the wild card in this situation. You don’t know how they’ll respond, especially if they were caught unexpectedly or if it came through hearsay. Their emotional reaction might vary, and it can influence how the conversation goes.

One thing I often say—especially when I’m speaking with women—is this: if a man cheats and gives you a story, whether it’s true or not, he will usually stick to that story. That’s a defence mechanism. So it becomes your responsibility to decide: do you believe that story? And the way to answer that is not just based on the words themselves, but on his behaviour. Look at how he communicates—his body language, tone, and emotional presence. Does it align with what he’s saying?

I coach my clients to pay attention to that alignment. If your partner is sincere, the story and the behaviour will generally match. If not, there may be more to uncover. The goal is not to attack, but to seek clarity so that you can make informed decisions.

And finally, let’s not overlook the emotional impact on the person who’s been cheated on. Infidelity isn’t just a betrayal of trust—it’s a direct hit to that person’s dignity and sense of self-worth. It can shake their identity, their confidence, and their belief in love or loyalty. Part of the healing process must include rebuilding that self-respect and reaffirming one’s value, regardless of the outcome of the relationship.

Jacobsen: How do you recommend individuals, who are in that moment, maintain their dignity when having what may be a very confrontational conversation with the partner who cheated?

Louis: As far as dignity goes, I believe it becomes a more central issue when cheating happens more than once, say, a second or third time. That’s when dignity comes into play. The first time it happens, people often try to assess whether it was a genuine mistake. Sometimes, couples can move forward, rebuild trust, and even come out stronger than before—provided both parties are committed to that process.

But when it happens repeatedly, some individuals may begin to lose themselves in the relationship. They might give their partner the benefit of the doubt, not because they genuinely believe them, but because they want to avoid conflict or deny the reality of the betrayal. That’s when dependency—sometimes even emotional codependency—can creep in. You end up prioritizing the relationship over your self-worth, telling yourself, “I just don’t want this to happen again.” Still, in the process, you’re being walked over.

So yes, dignity matters a lot—not just in the case of infidelity, but also in other unhealthy relationship dynamics. Whether it’s emotional manipulation, constant arguing, controlling behaviour, or abuse, it’s all part of the same question: Where is your dignity in this relationship?

At some point, you have to put your foot down and ask yourself: Do I want to keep accepting this behaviour? That’s where reclaiming dignity begins. It’s about drawing boundaries, recognizing patterns, and honouring your own emotional and psychological needs.

Now, when it comes to cheating specifically, before focusing solely on dignity, the first step is to have a calm and honest conversation. Try to understand why the person did what they did. But—and this is crucial—do not blame yourself. Never say, “Well, I pushed you to do this,” or “This is my fault because I wasn’t enough.” That’s simply not true.

If someone chooses to cheat, that’s their decision. It’s not justified by unmet needs or a lack of attention. If there was a problem in the relationship, the mature response is to communicate, not to betray your partner.

If your partner says something like, “You weren’t giving me enough attention,” or “I felt neglected,” that’s not an excuse. If they truly felt that way, they should have had an open conversation with you: “I feel disconnected,” or “We haven’t been spending enough time together,” or “I miss us.” Those are valid concerns, but they should be communicated, not acted out through infidelity.

These are valid reasons to have a conversation about fixing things before going out and seeking something else on the side. So first and foremost, communication is key. It’s about addressing what’s going on in the relationship before it reaches the point of infidelity.

Now, if it does reach that point—if you discover your partner has cheated—what I often tell people, especially women, is this: you need to ask your partner specific direct questions to help determine whether they’re telling the truth. Because unless the person comes out and says, “Yes, you caught me. I did cheat. I’m sorry,”—which does happen, but not often—there’s a good chance they’ll deny it. I’d say in about 75% of cases, they’ll try to deflect or deny. They might say things like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” or “I promise I didn’t do that,” even if they did.

Jacobsen: So, how often would you say people take accountability when they’ve cheated?

Louis: It depends a lot on the level of communication in the relationship. In couples who don’t communicate well—where they’re living almost parallel lives without emotional intimacy—accountability is rare. If there’s a controlling partner involved, that person might try to dominate the conversation or manipulate the situation, whether they’ve cheated or not. In those cases, even being caught red-handed might not lead to actual ownership or remorse.

Jacobsen: Are there patterns that repeat among people who cheat?

Louis: Yes. I’ll be honest—I’ve been there myself. I had a history of cheating when I was younger. I’m not proud of it, but I’ve learned from it. And yes, people often say, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” That’s the saying, right?

But here’s what changed for me. About 15 years ago, I was dating a woman for around six months. Things were okay, but then I met someone else who made me stop and think. I realized I liked this new person, and instead of repeating old patterns, I chose to do something different.

I went to the woman I was dating and told her the truth. I said, “I think I’ve met someone I might want to pursue a relationship with. I need to end this respectfully instead of cheating on you.” She was hurt, of course, but she appreciated the honesty. We ended things, and I started dating the new person. 

Jacobsen: Wow.

Louis: The important thing is this: people can change. Growth is possible. But it starts with self-awareness, accountability, and the willingness to break harmful patterns before they do more damage.

Yeah. So that woman didn’t become my wife—but here’s the funny part, Scott. Seventeen years later, I’m still connected to that chapter of my life. I ended up marrying the other woman, and we had a great marriage. We communicated very well, we built a strong relationship, and even though we eventually separated, it was a very respectful and mutual breakup. She’s still my best friend. She’s the mother of my kids. We co-parent and get along well.

But here’s where it gets interesting—the woman I broke up with back then, before I started dating my now ex-wife? We reconnected five months after my separation. We’ve now been together for eight years.

So the woman I once thought wasn’t right for me—where I made the mature decision not to cheat, to break up respectfully because I thought I’d met someone else—ended up becoming the person I’m with today. Back then, we just weren’t ready. Our timing was off. And now, years later, our paths crossed again, and it turns out we’re perfectly aligned.

It’s a funny story, but it taught me something huge: that honesty and communication do work. That moment was a turning point for me. From that point on, I decided that if I ever started to feel tempted or disconnected again, I’d bring it up before anything unhealthy could happen.

And I still do that. Whenever I feel those familiar signs—like I’m starting to look around, starting to get restless—I say it. I tell my partner, “Look, I’m starting to feel something. I’m starting to drift mentally.” And you know what? They usually respond with, “Okay, let’s talk about it.” And we do. I’ll say, “I feel like I’m not getting enough attention,” or “We haven’t had enough quality time,” or “You’ve been busy and we haven’t connected.”

Once we talk it through, those feelings usually calm right back down. I feel grounded again. The temptation fades. All it took was an honest conversation.

Especially for men, that’s often what it comes down to—we don’t feel seen. And that, hands down, is probably the number one reason why men cheat. We’re craving attention or emotional connection, and instead of expressing that, some of us act out.

Jacobsen: What about the idea that men and women perceive different actions as cheating? Is there a difference in how they define infidelity?

Louis: That’s a great point. You’re right—there often is a difference in perception between genders. For example, one partner might think, “I was just texting someone,” or, “It was only emotional,” and not consider it cheating, while the other partner does. So yes, there’s often a disconnect in how cheating is defined.

Gender can play a role in that. Some studies suggest that men may be more likely to view physical acts as cheating. At the same time, women may be more impacted by emotional connection. That’s not universal, of course, but it’s a common trend.

That’s why, from the start of any relationship, it’s crucial to define boundaries clearly. What does cheating look like to you? What are the emotional or behavioural limits that, if crossed, would damage trust? Without that clarity, couples often find themselves in situations where one person feels betrayed. At the same time, the other doesn’t even realize they’ve crossed a line.

Well, you know, cheating means different things to different people. For some men, for example—and forgive me for generalizing here—some insecurities come into play. A lot depends on the dynamics of the relationship.

Let’s say a man identifies as more dominant or protective—he might interpret certain behaviours as cheating, even if they’re relatively innocent. For instance, if his partner is talking to another man for what he considers “too long,” or gives someone a hug that lasts just a little longer than usual, he might perceive that as a form of betrayal. In his mind, it might not be physical cheating. However, it’s still seen as emotional disloyalty or disrespect—and sometimes, that carries the same weight.

On the other hand, a woman might react strongly if her partner is caught looking at another woman or showing attention elsewhere. Again, it’s not always about the act itself—it’s about the intent, the context, and the emotional boundary. So there’s this whole spectrum of what’s considered cheating, and it varies based on personal insecurities, trust levels, and the agreement within the relationship.

I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum. My partner and I are very secure in our relationship. I can sit next to a woman, hug her, have a long conversation, and there’s no jealousy or suspicion—because we’ve built a foundation of trust. But that kind of security takes time, transparency, and mutual respect to develop.

Now, when it comes to why people cheat, again, the core reason usually comes down to not getting enough attention or emotional fulfillment. It’s often about the need for validation. Men tend to cheat more for physical reasons, while women are usually drawn into emotional connections. That’s not a strict rule, but it’s a familiar pattern. A woman may cheat after developing a deeper emotional bond with someone who makes her feel heard or understood—something she might not be getting at home.

Jacobsen: How often do people decide to stay and work things out after infidelity? Let’s start with the one-time case, where it’s seen as an error, followed by forgiveness and an attempt to reconcile.

Louis: In those cases—especially in long-term relationships—it’s much more common to try to work things out. Suppose the relationship has a solid foundation, and the cheating was a one-off. In that case, many couples do go through a reconciliation process. Now, the dynamic is very different if the relationship is new—say, less than six months in—and they haven’t even fully defined what the relationship is. That’s a gray area.

But let’s focus on long-term relationships. When it’s a one-time mistake, what I always tell people—particularly women—is this: if a man is genuinely sorry, you’ll see it not just in his words but in his behaviour. The attention he gives you will feel real. He won’t just say he’s sorry—he’ll show it in how he re-engages with you, how he listens, how present he is.

Be cautious, however. Some people respond to guilt by going overboard—they start “love bombing,” constantly showering affection or gifts in an almost artificial way. That can feel overwhelming and performative. A truly remorseful person tends to be more grounded. They apologize, yes, but they also take responsibility and change their behaviour without turning it into a performance.

When someone cheats and wants to repair the relationship, they must show up repeatedly. Because at that point, trust has been broken. It doesn’t matter if it was one time or ten times—trust is lost. And the only way to rebuild it is by consistently demonstrating that you’re present, accountable, and committed to rebuilding what was damaged.

That means being more attentive, more caring, more honest, and more communicative. It’s not about grand gestures—it’sabout consistency over time. Some women will say, “Well, he’s trying, but I still don’t believe him.” And in those cases, I sometimes say—that might be on you now.

What I mean by that is this: if you’ve decided to forgive your partner and stay in the relationship. However, you’re still holding the betrayal over their head every day. It’s no longer just about what they did—it becomes about how you’re choosing to handle it.

You always have a choice. If you can’t forgive or you’re not ready, that’s okay. But then, be honest. Say, “I need time. I’mnot ready to move forward yet.” Maybe you need space. Perhaps a break is necessary. But don’t say “I forgive you” and then continue punishing your partner emotionally for the following year. That’s not healing—it’s resentment.

And yes, healing takes time. If it’s been a few weeks or even a couple of months and you’re still working through it—that’s completely normal. In that case, your partner should ask, “What do you need to know? What questions do youhave?” That’s part of the process.

But if it’s been a year, and you’re still using the cheating as a reason to withhold affection or intimacy, saying things like, “I can’t have sex with you because of what happened a year ago.” You need to take a deeper look inward. At that point, therapy might be necessary—either as a couple or individually—because the relationship isn’t moving forward. And the reality is: if you haven’t truly forgiven them, you’ll likely never fully trust them again.

Jacobsen: What do you think is the bigger, more profound message about infidelity? What does it mean to us? Why does it impact us so profoundly? What’s the invisible golden thread that gets broken?

Louis: At its core, infidelity breaks the most sacred part of a relationship: trust. That’s the foundation. You’ve made a commitment—spoken or unspoken—that we’re in this together, that I choose you, and you choose me. When someone steps outside of that without mutual agreement—unless you’re in an open relationship and it’s discussed—it’s a breach of that bond.

It’s not just about sex. It’s about the emotional safety, the loyalty, and the deep understanding that your heart is safe with another person. When that’s violated, it creates emotional chaos. That “golden thread,” as you called it, is the trust that ties everything else together. Once it’s broken, everything else starts to unravel unless both people are committed to doing the hard work of repairing it.

Right. If you’ve communicated that you’re in a monogamous relationship, then stepping outside of that without consent is cheating. Now, if you’ve agreed on something different—like polyamory, an open relationship, or a solo partnership—that’s a different conversation entirely. But suppose there’s been no such discussion, and both people believe they’re exclusive. In that case, any breach of that is a serious violation of trust.

And yes, those conversations can be difficult. Asking, “What are we?” or, “Are we exclusive?” can feel awkward, but they’re necessary. If both partners say, “I only want to be with you,” then the expectation is set. And maintaining that commitment is hard work. It takes effort, communication, and most importantly, trust.

Trust is what allows you to feel safe even when you’re not together 24/7. If your partner goes out with friends or spends time apart from you, that should be okay, because you trust who they are and how they show up in the relationship. That’s a mature and healthy dynamic. It’s not about control—it’s about confidence, mutual respect, and independence within a secure bond.

Jacobsen: What about people who are serial cheaters? Or cases where forgiveness just really isn’t on the table anymore?

Louis: You mean when someone says up front, “If you ever cheat on me, I’m gone,” and then the partner cheats anyway?

Jacobsen: They’ve communicated it clearly in advance, and now that boundary has been crossed.

Louis: If someone has communicated their boundary, “Cheating is a dealbreaker. If it happens, I’m out,”—then I think it’s entirely fair for them to walk away without reconsideration. That expectation was made clear. There should be no “but what if…” or “can’t we talk about it?” If you knew the terms and still violated them, then you also accept the consequences.

Now, in those cases, if someone cheats and the other person walks, there’s no blame to place. That person protected their boundary, and I respect that.

But then there’s another kind of pattern—the serial cheater. Someone who keeps betraying trust over and over again. In those relationships, I often find that the partner being cheated on is either looking the other way or trapped in a cycle of emotional insecurity.

And let’s be honest: that’s not love—it’s dysfunction. It usually comes down to attachment style. Someone who tolerates repeated betrayal often has an anxious or insecure attachment, where their fear of abandonment outweighs their sense of self-worth. That dynamic allows the serial cheater to continue manipulating or using them, and it becomes a toxic cycle.

So in those cases, the healing doesn’t just need to happen for the cheater—it needs to happen for the person staying. They need to ask themselves: “Why am I still accepting this?” Because cheating isn’t just about sex—it’s about respect, boundaries, and emotional safety.

When we’re talking about insecure attachment, it’s often rooted in either anxious or fearful-avoidant styles. These individuals tend to feel deeply insecure in their relationships. They usually let their partner take control and become more dominant. They become the “yes ma’am” or “yes sir” type—constantly trying to please, often at the cost of their self-respect and boundaries.

Jacobsen: What about the opposite case? When forgiveness happens easily, even after cheating? Some people seem to glaze over it, move on quickly, and don’t seem deeply affected. How do you make sense of that?

Louis: That’s a great question. I had a client once…” [Laughing] But let’s be honest—I’ll just own it.

I’ve had situations in the past where I was in relationships with women who came to me honestly and admitted, “I cheated on you.” They came home, told me directly, and owned up to it. In those cases, I took a deep breath and said, “Okay, let’s have a conversation.” And after we talked about it, I forgave them. They never did it again.

Why? Because it was a one-off mistake. And we all make mistakes. What stood out to me was that they didn’t try to hide it, they didn’t let it fester. They came to me immediately. That kind of honesty goes a long way in rebuilding trust.

Now, I had always told my partners from the beginning, “If something ever happens, just come to me. I won’t be a hypocrite. I’ll hear you out before I make any decisions.” And in both of those cases, we had open, honest conversations, and we continued the relationships for years afterward, with no further issues. I never held it over them, never judged them, never brought it up again.

So yes, forgiveness can happen quickly—if you’re in a relationship built on strong communication, emotional maturity, and mutual respect. In those cases, it’s less about the act itself and more about the response. Did they take accountability? Were they honest? Did they show remorse? Suppose all those are present, and you feel the foundation is still solid. In that case, it’s possible to forgive, move forward, and never look back.

That’s the difference. Forgiveness becomes easier when the relationship context supports it. When there’s emotional intelligence, transparency, and authentic connection, even a difficult moment like infidelity doesn’t have to be the end. It can be a turning point—if both people are willing to grow from it.

Because, once again, everyone makes mistakes. 

Jacobsen: But do you notice similar patterns when comparing heterosexual couples to gay couples—or, say, partnerships that involve more than two people, like polyamorous relationships or “throuples”? Do those dynamics follow similar patterns? Or do entirely new interactions arise?

Louis: That’s an excellent question. And the answer is yes and no. Some patterns carry over across relationship structures, especially when it comes to core issues like trust, communication, and boundaries. But the dynamics can shift depending on the relationship model.

For example, I had a couple of friends in a long-term open relationship—more specifically, they were in a throuple-style setup. They were together for nine years, and they had a standing agreement that they could engage with a third person together, whether in a threesome or another shared arrangement. It worked for them because it was mutual, clearly communicated, and consensual.

But here’s what happened. The husband eventually began seeing one of those third partners on his own, without telling his wife. And that broke the agreement. The wife—whom I know well—was clear from day one: “We do this together, or not at all.” When he stepped outside the agreement and began a side relationship independently, she saw it as a betrayal, and she filed for divorce.

And that’s the key takeaway: cheating isn’t about the act itself—it’s about violating agreed-upon boundaries. Whether the relationship is monogamous, polyamorous, or somewhere in between, the golden rule is the same: honour the agreements you’ve made. Once someone crosses that line, it becomes about broken trust, not just broken rules.

Jacobsen: What about people who’ve never experienced infidelity themselves? What assumptions do they tend to make—about what it is, what it means, or what causes it—that are just totally off?

Louis: Great question. There are many myths around infidelity, especially among people who’ve never gone through it firsthand. One of the biggest misconceptions is that infidelity is always about sex. That’s just not true. More often than not, cheating is about emotional disconnection, unmet needs, or the search for validation.

Another common myth is that “if someone cheats, it means they don’t love their partner.” Again, not always true. People are complicated. Some people cheat despite loving their partner. It doesn’t make it okay, but the root cause isn’t always a lack of love—it’s often a lack of communication, attention, or self-awareness.

Some assume that men cheat more than women, but that’s also not as clear-cut anymore. Women cheat, too—and often for different reasons. While men tend to cheat more for physical or opportunistic reasons, women are more likely to cheat in response to emotional neglect. Again, these are generalizations, but they challenge outdated assumptions.

Finally, many people believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. That’s a tricky one. Yes, some people are repeat offenders—but others learn, grow, and genuinely never repeat that mistake. It depends on their level of self-reflection and willingness to do the work.

So yeah, there’s much misunderstanding about what cheating means. It’s not always about lust. It’s not always about falling out of love. It’s often about a deeper emotional fracture—one that many people don’t even realize exists until it’s too late.

Well, first and foremost, when someone hears about cheating—whether it’s in the news, in a friend’s relationship, or just hypothetically, the first reaction is almost always the same: “That person’s a liar,” or “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” There’s a rush to judgment, without really trying to understand the full context or circumstances.

For those who haven’t experienced it themselves, it’s easy to say, “If that ever happened to me, I’d be out. No questions asked. That person would be dead to me.” But the reality is, when it happens to you, it’s very different. There’s history. There are emotions. There’s love, investment, and time. Suddenly, it’s not such a simple decision anymore.

Now, of course, if someone has been cheated on in the past, and they tell a new partner, “If you ever cheat on me, I will walk out, no questions asked,” then that’s a boundary—and that boundary needs to be respected. That’s a different scenario. But many people who’ve never gone through it firsthand only see infidelity in black-and-white terms.

For example, if you ask someone, “What would you do if your partner cheated on you?” they almost always jump to the extreme: “I’d leave.” Very few people say, “I would take a step back, listen to what they have to say, and try to understand why it happened.”

To be clear, I never suggest that the person who was cheated on is to blame. Cheating is a personal choice. But in some cases—some, not all—there’s a breakdown in the relationship that both people contributed to. That doesn’t justify the cheating, but it can help explain why it happened. And if healing is going to take place, both partners need to understand what was broken and how to repair it.

Jacobsen: Not necessarily about assigning blame—like, “It’s his fault” or “her fault”—but recognizing it as a collective failure in the relationship dynamic?

Louis: You don’t need to point fingers. But if you’re going to try to move forward, you have to look honestly at the whole picture. Both people have to be willing to ask hard questions, be vulnerable, and take accountability for the state of the relationship leading up to the infidelity.

Jacobsen: Christopher, thank you very much for your time and expertise again today. I’ll be in touch—hopefully tonight, or within a day—with the transcript for your review. And as always, we’ll keep the conversation going.

Louis: Thank you, Scott. Always a pleasure. Have a wonderful day—and get some rest, my friend.

Jacobsen: Thank you. Bye-bye.

Louis: Bye.

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