How Hypnosis and Emotional Support Help Teens With Confidence

Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen

Publication (Outlet/Website): The Good Men Project

Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/05/15

 Dr. Ran Anbar, a pediatric pulmonologist and clinical hypnosis expert, discusses the essential needs of children today, emphasizing emotional support, autonomy, and self-regulation over micromanagement. He explains how hypnosis helps youth manage stress and emotions and underscores the importance of validating children’s feelings. Anbar critiques the impact of social media on mental health, highlighting sleep deprivation and social comparison as significant issues. He advocates for structured routines, resilience-building through mistakes, and trusting children to foster self-confidence. His book The Life Guide for Teens provides practical tools—like positive self-talk and mindfulness—to help teens develop confidence, resilience, and emotional independence.

Scott Douglas Jacobsen: Today, we’re here with Dr. Ran Anbar, MD, FAAP—a board-certified pediatrician and pulmonologist with extensive experience in clinical hypnosis for children and adolescents. With over 20 years of clinical practice, he has treated more than 5,000 patients. He currently practices at Center Point Medicine in La Jolla, California, and Syracuse, New York. A former SUNY Upstate Medical University faculty member, Dr. Anbar is also a Fellow and Approved Consultant of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis. He authored The Life Guide for Teens, a book designed to help teenagers develop confidence, resilience, and healthier daily habits.  Thank you very much for joining me today—I appreciate it. So, based on your decades of pediatric experience, what do children truly need to thrive in today’s world? And what do we often think they need, which, in reality, may not be essential at all?

Dr. Ran Anbar: Children must grow up in safe, stable environments and benefit from engaged adult involvement—ideally from two caregivers, as different perspectives enrich learning. They need opportunities to learn—not just in traditional classrooms, but in a range of environments. They also need emotional support and open communication with the people raising them. That connection helps them process challenges, test ideas, and grow with guidance. What people sometimes think kids need is constant micromanagement. Children indeed make mistakes, but overly controlling parents may feel the need to correct or prevent every error. 

That’s a misjudgment. Children often learn best through experience—including making mistakes and reflecting on them. Some parents believe that punishing a child for errors is the way to teach them. But punishment often breeds resentment or the perception that the system is unfair. A better approach is to talk with the child about what went wrong, why it happened, and how they can improve. If the child feels genuine remorse, that’s usually enough. Even if a child repeats the same mistake several times, that’s not unusual. Sometimes, we must make a mistake multiple times before the lesson fully registers. The goal should be understanding, not control.

For example—and I share this with parents—when a toddler learns to walk, they fall down, get up, trip, fall again, and repeat this process for weeks. Falling is essential to development because that’s when the brain learns: You cannot walk that way. Teenagers need similar experiences to truly become resilient and gain mastery over themselves. If a parent micromanages a child, the child is not prepared to face the world independently.

Jacobsen: What about the role of emotional validation by guardians, parents, or elders in the community?

Anbar: Emotional validation is critical. It allows children to recognize and explore who they are, and it sends the message that it’s okay, for example, to disagree with adults or to think differently than others.

Many children fear being different because they fear being excluded or targeted for their uniqueness. Ironically, different people often have the most to contribute to society. They bring fresh perspectives. But because of that fear, many kids try to conform—unsure how to be. And if we do not validate their emotions, they feel even less empowered to express themselves.

So yes, validating feelings is essential. When raising a child who appears to be reacting inappropriately to something, it’s critical to approach the situation with curiosity, not judgment. Ask, “What were you thinking when you did that?”

Often, the child has a valid reason. For example, I remember an 8-year-old boy who refused to close the bathroom door. His parents kept yelling, “Close the bathroom door!”—but he would not.

When I saw him in my office, I asked him, “What’s going on?” He said, “I’m afraid of monsters in the bathroom.”

So, I gave him a monster spray.

If you want the recipe, we can talk about it later. He sprayed the bathroom, and after that, he could close the door. That was the right solution for an 8-year-old.

For a teen, I saw a 13-year-old today who refused to put on his seat belt. His mother yelled at him to wear it, but he refused. She stopped the car, and they got into a big argument.

I asked the bright-eyed teen, “What’s the purpose of a seat belt?”

He could not answer.

The adults around him had just assumed that he knew. But this kid had never been told directly.

So, I explained: “If your car stops suddenly, you could be thrown from the vehicle. You could get badly hurt—or worse.”

I shared a story. Once, I was on an airplane and got the dreaded call: “Is there a doctor on board?”

I went to help an older man with chest pain and sat next to him during the landing. I was in the aisle seat and was not wearing a seat belt. I couldn’t believe how much force I felt when the plane landed.

When you wear a seat belt, you do not realize how strong that stopping force is.

I told this story to the teen. When he said, “Okay, I’ll wear my seat belt,” there was no more argument.

So when a child seems to be acting irrationally, really listen. What appears irrational to an adult may make perfect sense to the child. Understand it, address it, and avoid repeated conflicts over things that do not need to be contentious.

Jacobsen: What about the role of hypnosis and self-regulation? Are there children for whom these tools are not necessary? And others for whom they’re essential and easy to adopt? And are there kids for whom it’s nearly impossible?

Anbar: First, hypnosis is just a way to use your imagination to help yourself. It’s not mind control, it’s not sleep, and it’s not unusual.

We experience hypnosis all the time. When you’re driving and suddenly wonder, “How did I get here?”—that’s a hypnotic state. When you’re in a boring lecture, and your mind drifts into daydreaming—that’s also a form of hypnosis.

So, hypnosis is a normal state of mind. But in that state, you can give yourself helpful suggestions—like calming your emotions, managing pain, or improving your focus. And by doing so, you can improve your life.

Anyone can benefit from hypnosis because it touches many areas of life. It can enhance athletic and academic performance, emotional regulation, and creativity—anything involving the mind can be improved through hypnosis.

I’ve found that if you offer children a way to self-regulate—and it only takes about 10 minutes to get started—they typically are not interested unless they have an immediate need.

So, who benefits? Anyone with a chronic illness—child or adult. Why? Because living with a chronic condition brings uncertainty and emotional stress. In the U.S., around 60% of adults have a chronic illness. If you have a brain, you’re going to think about it—you might feel anxious or depressed or dread going to the hospital again. That stress can make symptoms worse.

When people learn to self-regulate, primarily through hypnosis, symptoms often improve—sometimes dramatically. Sometimes, people even reduce or eliminate the need for certain medications because they manage symptoms better through the mind-body connection.

Other people who benefit are those who struggle with emotional regulation, especially anger. Many children have trouble with anger, and many parents do, too. In my book, The Life Guide for Teens, I encourage teens and parents to use hypnosis for emotional regulation.

Hypnosis can be a shortcut for changing your mindset. I often tell parents: if you’re arguing with your teen, and one of you is angry—stop. It’s not worth continuing. If you’re yelling, your teen shuts down. They are no longer listening. You’re just wasting your breath.

And if they’re angry, they’re not listening either. So, if the topic matters, take a break, cool down, and then come back and talk calmly.

Anger is hard to control. When your teen does something wrong, your impulse is to correct it immediately—sometimes by raising your voice. But if you yell, they stop hearing you. The lesson is lost. The learning opportunity is gone.

That’s why parents and children should learn emotional regulation, and hypnosis is an excellent, fast, and effective tool.

Jacobsen: Are there early warning signs of mental illness—or at least mental health struggles—in youth that differ from those in adults, or are they more or less the same?

Anbar: I think the signs of mental health challenges often show up in behaviour, so they manifest differently in children than in adults. For example, teenagers might isolate themselves from their rooms, whereas adults may start missing work. Teenagers often struggle with judgment, so poor decision-making might not stand out. However, in an adult, a sudden onset of poor decision-making may be a clear red flag for a mental health issue. In children, signs of mental illness include social withdrawal, loss of friendships, or expressions of hopelessness—things like saying, “Nothing I do matters,”or “Life isn’t worth living.” That does not necessarily mean they are suicidal, but it reflects emotional distress. If a child loses interest in activities they once enjoyed, that could be a sign of depression. If they avoid everyday tasks out of fear—because they’re overly worried about what could go wrong—that can signal anxiety, which is one of the most common mental health concerns in children.

Jacobsen: Do social media and screen time influence or contribute to mental health struggles? Or do they also, in some ways, contribute positively to mental health? Are some of the publicized concerns red herrings?

Anbar: I think the public concerns underestimate the impact of social media on youth mental health. Let’s take autism, which has been in the news recently. There’s been a dramatic increase in the diagnosis rate. I looked this up today—though please double-check the figures—but in 1989, the reported prevalence was about 4 cases per 10,000 children. It’s estimated at around 3% today, or 300 per 10,000. Why is that? I believe it’s multifactorial. There are likely environmental contributors, and I suspect screen exposure—particularly in young children—is part of the equation. For instance, when two-year-olds are placed in front of iPads, they become quiet and self-occupied. Parents often see quiet behaviour as convenient, so they’re left alone. But instead of playing in a sandbox, interacting with other kids, throwing sand (and learning that it makes another child cry and that this has consequences), those children miss vital social learning experiences. For kids who may already be borderline neurodivergent, these missed opportunities can make a big difference in their developmental trajectory. I have not yet seen definitive studies confirming this hypothesis. Still, I strongly suspect that insufficient early social interaction—due to increased screen exposure—can lead to long-term difficulties with socialization, possibly contributing to the rise in autism diagnoses.

Now, social media and internet use affect teens in multiple harmful ways. There’s already strong data indicating that the more time adolescents spend on social media, the more likely they are to experience anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts. In my view, one of the main reasons for this is its negative impact on sleep.

Teens are often on their phones late at night—playing video games, texting, scrolling through Instagram or TikTok—and lose sleep. Lack of sleep contributes to anxiety, depression, suicidality, and poor academic performance, all of which are on the rise among teenagers. The average teen should sleep between 8 and 10 hours per night, but most are getting 7 hours or less. It is a real crisis. What else? Social media. Social media places the entire world at your fingertips 24/7. When I was growing up, if there was a school shooting—and yes, there were shootings in the ’70s and’ 80s—I might not have even heard about it. It might have aired briefly on the evening news if I had happened to watch it, which I usually did not. Maybe it was in the newspaper, which I didn’t read either. So I’d be oblivious. Now, if there’s a school shooting, it’s immediately on your phone. Teens are exposed to it constantly, and it starts to feel like it’s happening everywhere. Yes, school shootings have increased, but the sense of danger is amplified by algorithms that repeatedly push similar content, reinforcing the belief that the world is far more dangerous than it may statistically be. That creates heightened anxiety. It’s not like the past when kids played outside until dark and came home to sleep—without being exposed to traumatic events from all over the world. Another issue is the idealized version of life that teens see on social media. Many want to be influencers or YouTubers, but those roles are only achieved by a tiny fraction. Most teens never get there, and as a result, they feel inadequate. They think, “I’m not popular,” or “I don’t get enough likes,” and that spirals into depression—because adolescents crave being liked and accepted. These are entirely new emotional challenges brought about by the digital world. Some teens tell me, “I wish I didn’t have a smartphone.” Some have even said, “I wish nobody had smartphones,”because if you don’t have a phone, you risk being socially excluded—everything happens via text. But some teens are wise enough to see the downsides. Some countries are already regulating screen use. I do not see that happening in the United States anytime soon, so it’s up to the teens and their parents to self-regulate. I recommend that teens schedule their phone use—perhaps 30 minutes, two or three times daily—and otherwise keep it off. I encourage them to inform their friends about this plan so they don’t expect immediate replies. I have seen kids text a friend, not get a response in 10 minutes, and spiral into panic: “My friend has abandoned me,” or “They don’t like me anymore,” or “I’m an outcast”—all because the other teen was eating dinner and put the phone down.

Jacobsen: How can caregivers help their kids—or young people in general—develop emotional independence and self-trust?

Anbar: The first step is allowing the child to make choices, especially during the teen years. When you’re parenting a young child, they typically ask what to do, and you give them instructions—they follow them. However, during adolescence, kids begin to form their own opinions. Often, parents override those opinions because they believe them to be flawed or naive. But making mistakes—and learning from them—is part of growing up. It’s how young people become independent and build resilience.

In my practice, when parents come into the office with their children, they sometimes want to speak for them. I stop them and say, “No, I want to hear from your child.” That’s because when a parent tells the story, they may frame it differently than the child would. Even if the child agrees, speaking for them can send a subtle message: “You can’t speak for yourself.”

So, I ask the child directly. This sends an important signal: “I trust you.” And even if the child leaves something out or doesn’t explain things perfectly, that’s okay. If something is important, it will come up again.

The best way for caregivers to help children build self-trust is to demonstrate that they trust the child. That means letting them make decisions—even when those decisions are mistakes. When they mess up, the parent can say, “I believe in you. I’m proud that you’re learning from this.”

As children grow into teenagers, a parent’s role should shift. You go from being an enforcer who tells the child what to do to a supporter who encourages them to make good choices while still letting them make the choice.

The only time I believe a parent should pull rank—”You will do this because I’m your parent”—is in situations where the child’s choice could result in serious harm. For instance, if a child refuses to wear a seatbelt, I support the parent who pulls over and says, “We’re not going anywhere until you put that on.” That is a safety issue.

But let them fail for non-life-threatening matters—like not practicing a musical instrument and then performing poorly in a recital. Let them experience the consequences. That’s how they learn.

Jacobsen: Are the youth cohort less resilient than two or three generations ago?

Anbar: Interesting question. I think so. I think today’s youth tend to be less resilient, partly because their parents are also anxious—often for the same reasons as their children. Parents are far more vigilant than they were two or three generations ago.

As I mentioned, kids played outside independently, walked to friends’ homes, and had sleepovers without much supervision. Today, parents are often afraid to let their children out of sight—concerned about potential kidnappings, unsafe neighbours, or simply that their child might make a mistake.

So, kids are getting fewer opportunities to build independence and resilience.

We used to talk about “helicopter parents”—those who hover over their children constantly. I recently heard a new term: “bulldozer parents.” These parents clear every obstacle out of their child’s way in advance. They believe they’re helping, sparing their child from suffering. To develop resilience, caregivers need to give children opportunities to struggle independently.

In this hyper-competitive society, many parents feel that if they do not constantly push their child—ensuring top grades and college admissions—their child’s life will be ruined. But that’s parental anxiety talking. In the process, they deprive the child of valuable opportunities to become more resilient.

Jacobsen: What is the helpful role of discipline in a sleep schedule? And how do these things, counterintuitively, support creativity and the ability to engage in unstructured play? Are structured routines helpful for those areas, too?

Anbar: As I mentioned earlier, sleep is essential. For older children who may resist bedtime routines, it is important to talk with them about why sleep matters and get their buy-in.

You mentioned discipline. I am unsure if you meant self-discipline on the child’s part or discipline imposed by the parent—but either way, having a structure is essential.

Some parents take a free-range approach, letting kids do whatever they want. But that does not build resilience and does not reflect how the real world works.

It is important to provide structure, such as limiting video games on school nights or restricting smartphone use after a certain hour.

For example, set a rule that phones must be turned in by 9 p.m. Explain the reasoning. Make it clear that phones should not be taken to bed because that disrupts sleep. Younger teens especially struggle with resisting temptation. That’s developmentally normal, so help them manage it.

But also explain: “This is to help you.” When children understand the rule’s purpose, most will cooperate—not all, but most.

Self-discipline is key to living a good and successful life. However, children must be allowed to develop self-discipline. They will not learn self-discipline by being told what to do at every moment.

Again, we’ve discussed how free-range parenting, where little to no guidance, is ineffective. Helicopter parenting, where parents constantly hover and direct every move, is not effective either. It is about balance.

If I may recommend a book—not my own—there’s one called Parenting with Love and Logic for Teens by Foster Cline. It is a very straightforward, practical guide.

The core idea is this: as a parent, your job is to provide the environment where your child can thrive. But it is the child who thrives. It is not your job to do it for them. And I fully agree with that.

Jacobsen: What would you consider the core themes—as rhetorical questions—you ask and answer in The Life Guide for Teens?

Anbar: The main rhetorical question that underlies the book is: How can I help myself become happier, healthier, more confident, and more resilient? That’s the foundation. Because if you can achieve those four things, you will be in a good place.

The Life Guide for Teens’ message is that you can already do all of this within you. It’s just a matter of tapping into that inner potential, and the book focuses on how to do that.

Let me briefly share three key tools we explore.

First, positive self-talk. How you speak to yourself shapes how you see yourself—and, ultimately, what you become. If you repeatedly tell yourself, “I can’t do this” or “I’m no good,” that becomes your identity. But if you affirm, “I’m learning,” “I’m growing,” or “I can succeed,” your mind begins to align with that.

The Buddha said it well nearly 2,700 years ago: What we think, we become. That was true millennia ago, and it remains true today. So, I teach teens to shape their internal dialogue consciously.

Second, self-regulation. I teach how to calm your body and mind through simple techniques, including hypnosis. For example, you can learn to imagine a calming place and train your body to reenter that calm state in moments of stress. That’s a powerful tool.

Third, listen to your inner self—your subconscious. That starts with quieting your mind. One easy way is to take a walk in nature, ask yourself a question, and allow the answer to float into your awareness. You can do this in other settings, too, of course, but the key is learning to listen inwardly.

Your life will improve if you follow these three tools: positive self-talk, emotional self-regulation, and listening to your inner self.

The book includes 180 tools in total. It’s not meant to be read straight through. Instead, pick a chapter or a tool that speaks to you and try it out. If it works, it could make a lasting difference in your life.

Jacobsen: When I talk to psychologists—particularly those I reach out to because they specialize in narcissism, including formal Narcissistic Personality Disorder—two connected ideas frequently come up. On one hand, there’s the false self, the curated identity presented to others. You alluded to this earlier when talking about social media—the teenager who doesn’t get a reply in 10 minutes or enough likes and suddenly feels rejected or collapses emotionally.

On the other hand, there’s the authentic self—sometimes called the real or true self. To people like me, who come from different areas of expertise but encounter these terms in psychological discussions, they can sound abstract. But subjectively, I completely understand what they point to.

How can the principles you’ve shared—about self-regulation, resilience, inner calm, and subconscious awareness—help children and teens learn about their authentic selves rather than letting that self shrink while feeding the false self?

Anbar: Great question. To me, the key is the subconscious. That’s how we access the inner self.

The inner self is fascinating, and I’m writing a third book on this topic. I’ve repeatedly found that the subconscious tends to tell the truth, giving us unfiltered insight.

Let me share an example. I once asked a 16-year-old boy a question. But before I asked him, I asked the question of his subconscious. The boy had just learned to drive. I said, “You’ve been told you’re not allowed to drive other teens yet. But your friends ask you to take them to the mall. Do you do it?”

His subconscious responded, “No, he’s not a good driver. He shouldn’t do that.”

Then I asked his conscious mind the same question. He said, “I probably would because I don’t want to disappoint my friends. But if I didn’t, I’d brag to my parents about it.”

Then I asked a teenage girl the same question—she was also just learning to drive. I posed the question to her subconscious: “Should you drive your friends to the mall?” Her subconscious said, “Yes, she’s a good driver.”

When I asked her conscious mind, she said, “No, I wouldn’t—it’s against the law.”

The answers are interesting because they show a split: the subconscious responds based on self-knowledge and personal safety, while the conscious self responds according to social norms, legal expectations, or peer pressure.

The boy’s subconscious admitted he wasn’t a safe driver, while the girl’s subconscious felt confident in her driving skills. But the conscious answers were reversed—one wanted approval, the other cited the law.

This illustrates how the subconscious operates honestly, often in ways that prioritize the person’s well-being, while the conscious self is much more influenced by external rules and social dynamics.

So, if you want to help a young person connect to their authentic self, you help them access their subconscious. That part of themselves can guide them with more clarity and integrity than the performative self we present.

Jacobsen: Do you think the challenges facing kids today have substantially changed? Or have we just changed the lettering on the cake and the icing while the cake—the underlying challenges—stays the same?

Anbar: No, the challenges have substantially changed. We’ve discussed the Internet and social media—these didn’t even exist thirty years ago.

Also, societal expectations have intensified. There’s this pervasive idea that everyone needs to excel—and if you’re not at the top, you’re seen as a failure. That kind of pressure has gotten worse over time.

It’s interesting—recently, I came across an essay I wrote in college about 45 years ago. I went to the University of California, San Diego. In that essay, I argued that college should be harder. That was 35 years ago, and I still stand by that today.

I don’t think college is always the best path—especially for fields that do not require extensive mentoring, like medicine or law.

Back then, and even more so now, we’ve created this cultural expectation that everyone needs a college degree to succeed. But many degrees aren’t particularly useful in today’s job market. For example, a bachelor’s in psychology or political science won’t get you far unless you go to graduate school.

So we’re pushing kids toward higher education under the assumption that it’s essential for a good life, and in many cases, that isn’t true. That pressure is unnecessary, and it’s weighing heavily on young people.

Some of the most successful individuals we know—like Bill Gates—dropped out of college. Why? For many people, the structure of college doesn’t provide the value they need.

If I change the system today, that’s one area I would re-examine.

I’m going off-topic here. Still, I also believe our education system has not evolved with modern technology—especially given the rise of the Internet and artificial intelligence.

We still rely heavily on the lecture format, which dates back thousands of years when people couldn’t read. But we’re far past that now.

We could design much more efficient learning models—letting students read at their own pace, watch lectures online, and then use class time for deeper discussion, personalized problem-solving, and mentorship. That’s where the real value lies.

Jacobsen: Dr. Anbar, thank you very much for your time today. It was a pleasure to meet you, and I genuinely appreciate your insights and expertise.

Anbar: Thank you for the opportunity.

Jacobsen: Excellent. I’ll be in touch.

Anbar: Thank you. 

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