Dating in Your 20s vs. Your 30s
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): The Good Men Project
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/04/17
Known as America’s Relationship Expert, Dr. Wendy Walsh is an award-winning television journalist, radio host & podcaster, and the author of three books on relationships and thousands of print and digital articles. She is currently a relationship expert at DatingAdvice.com. More than 1.5 million people follow her sage advice on social media. She holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and teaches in the Psychology Department at California State University Channel Islands and has been the host of “The Dr. Wendy Walsh Show” on iHeart Radio’s KFI AM 640 since 2015. Walsh is also a former Emmy-nominated co-host of “The Doctors,” as well as former host of the nationally syndicated show “EXTRA.” She was named a Time Magazine Person of the Year in 2017 after speaking out about harassment at a major news network. Walsh explores the differences between dating in one’s 20s and 30s, highlighting shifting priorities and biological realities. In the 20s, relationships are exploratory due to birth control, career-building, and extended adolescence, while 30s dating becomes high-stakes as individuals seek long-term partners, often under reproductive pressures. Dating apps have expanded options but also increased choice paralysis, making commitment harder. Walsh advises developing relationship skills, prioritizing emotional maturity, and clarifying long-term intentions. She emphasizes early in-person connections, avoiding casual flings for serious dating, and recognizing that healthy relationships require effort and sacrifice for lasting success.
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: What are the differences in dating in your 20s and your 30s?
Dr. Wendy Walsh: To fully answer that question, we need to go back into our anthropological past. Thousands of years ago, a cooperative tribe helped a young person with offspring (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc.) and thus reproduction began much earlier, most commonly in one’s teenaged years. Also, the knowledge and skills that were needed to “adult” and survive, were less complicated — how to build a fire, a hut and how to hunt and avoid poison berries.
But today, the intellectual skills needed to survive in today’s increasingly complex social and technological world mean that both males and females spend an extra decade becoming educated and launching their careers. Interconnected tribes have given way to nuclear families and single parent households. And mate selection has become a long game of skill building. I like to call today’s 20-something, dating relationships, “practice relationships.” And 30-something relationships as “high stakes” relationships. Because of birth control, people can practice relationship skills and audition mates while they simultaneously hone basic survival skills. But for those who aim to reproduce (about 80% of humans) the 30’s become a time of high stakes selection. A poor mate selection can send one down a life-path to poverty and poor mental and physical health.
Jacobsen: Maturity isn’t necessarily chronological. As a rule of thumb, though, how do one’s 30s contribute to a more fulfilling dating experience?
Walsh: Emotional maturity may not be chronological – some people do stagnate — but physical maturity is very much chronological. And for women who want to become mothers, it becomes a ticking clock for reproduction. It should be mentioned here that despite the media attention on dwindling fertility in females, new research is showing that paternal age is also being associated with developmental disorders, like autism. So a male fertility window is also a real thing.
While the 30’s dating life may look more fulfilling because partners have more life experience, it has also become the age of anxiety for many 30-somethings. There is a scramble to find mates before biology closes reproductive windows. And here’s the other thing people aren’t talking about: partners with a secure attachment style pull each other off the mating marketplace first. In the United States, the average age of first-time marriage is 28 for men and 26 for women. That means that by 30, more than half of healthy mates are off the market. What’s left in the dating pool are those who have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, or those who are happy staying single.
There is some good news here. At any stage of the lifespan, relationship skills can be acquired and attachment style can change. It does take time and work, usually in the office of a licensed therapist.
Jacobsen: Why are the 20s considered more exploratory for dating? Was this considered the case 50 years ago?
Walsh: The advent of birth control in 1962, changed the game. Prior to that, the “price” of sex was six-months of courtship and an alter. Sex was such a high-risk hobby that young people did not have the luxury of dating around.
Jacobsen: How have dating apps reshaped modern dating for the 20s cohort and the 30s cohort?
Walsh: Dating apps have expanded the mating marketplace. While that may be good news for sexual or ethnic minorities who live in small communities with few mate choices, for most urban dwellers, it has made dating harder. There is a psychological phenomenon called the “paradox of choice” that says that the more choice a human has, the less likely they are to make a choice. And when they do make a choice, they value that choice less. They are thinking about the ones who might still be in the mating pool. So dating apps essentially keep people single by providing too much choice.
Jacobsen: What are good strategies for someone in their 30s to navigate dating?
Walsh: Don’t confuse your 20’s with your 30’s! It’s a whole new mating game. If you haven’t learned some healthy relationship skills, it’s time to see a therapist. And, if you are still using short-term mating strategies (leading with hot and sexy) and hope to find a long-term relationship, you will likely lose the mating game. Stop hooking up and start interviewing!
Jacobsen: How have relationship milestones evolved?
Walsh: While birth control has helped people delay reproduction, it’s important to realize that we are walking around in ancient biology and the milestones are the same.
Jacobsen: How can folks leverage life experience to overcome modern dating challenges in a digital dating age?
Walsh: Get in the real world soon after matching. Don’t date more than two people at once, then eliminate one. Talk about feelings and life goals. And, most of all, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, say so, and walk away from someone who isn’t exhibiting commitment-oriented behavior.
Jacobsen: What are your favorite dating and mating quotes?
Walsh: There are ones I created and say all the time:
- “Sperm chases egg, not the reverse.” (Women shouldn’t pay for a first date.)
- “There is no such thing as a failed relationship!” (Only a love-lesson graduation)
- “When ‘til death do us part was invented, death was pretty imminent.” (Even monogamous people can expect two or three long stints of monogamy.)
- “Men don’t fall in love through sex!” (They fall in love through trust and they don’t trust a woman who gives them sex easily)
- “All genders value what they have to work for.” (Give them the gift of getting to sacrifice for you.
Jacobsen: Thank you for the opportunity and your time, Wendy.
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