1193: Joan Rivers
Author(s): Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): Medium (Personal)
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2025/05/13
“I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
“I hate thin people: ‘Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?’”
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
“I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.”
“My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.”
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
“When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.”
“I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.”
“The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate’. For me that would be a shroud.”
“At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”
“I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
“The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.”
“Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.”
“I think I’m in a business where you have to look good, and it’s totally youth‑oriented.”
“Life is very tough. If you don’t laugh, it’s tough.”
“I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can’t make it through one door, I’ll go through another door — or I’ll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.”
“A lot of downs. A lot of ups. I’m still standing.”
“I lecture on suicide because things turn around. I tell people this is a horrible, awful dark moment, but it will change and you must know it’s going to change and you push forward. I look back and think, ‘Life is great, life goes on. It changes.’”
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