Ask A Genius 1087: Regular People Supporting Ordinary People
Author(s): Rick Rosner and Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): Ask A Genius
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2024/08/17
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: I recall working at the pub in my hometown. I am relieved to be out of that environment. However, as you know, one must make a living and earn money. I was employed at the pub, one of the restaurants in town. I also took on janitorial work at two of the establishments in the evenings, including one being the pub.
I remember one individual in particular—a sous chef who was Muslim and Arab Canadian. He was an extremely unpleasant, possibly one of the worst people I have ever encountered. He seemed to enjoy bothering others for no apparent reason, or at least none I could discern. It felt as though he had some unresolved issues.
One phrase that stands out to me was from a server there. She said, “Don’t worry about him, hun. He’s a loser.” This comment struck me, especially considering she had not much going for her. Yet, even in difficult circumstances, people still find ways to offer emotional support to those who are unkind, narcissistic, or simply difficult to deal with.
It amazes me that individuals who may never be known or remembered and may not have much beyond their jobs are still willing to support others in challenging times. I did the same for others. I recall one lady who had just been cheated on, and she was in tears during her shift. She stormed in a rage outside, and she punched the wall in her frustration. No one else wanted to see her, but she had to continue working with someone. I advocated for her to take the rest of the night off.
I was outside while she was crying outside, saying, “This hurts so much. I can’t believe this. I’m so angry. I’m so mad. This hurts so fucking much.”
Rick Rosner: Yes, relationships can be intense but often temporary.
Jacobsen: I remember seeing her again, working at a local coffee shop. She seemed more relaxed, perhaps a year or two later when I returned to town to visit some people. She appeared to be doing better. I tried to say, “Hi,” as she was whisked by restaurant commotion to the back of house. I have never heard from her again, but I hope she is doing well. So, what do you make of this context? People support one another, even when they are just ordinary individuals, like me, living without significant prominence. It is comforting to have coworkers with whom you can connect.
Rosner: Depending on the business, such as the bars where I worked, you often encounter people who need to fit into corporate or professional environments. They prefer a more relaxed job, and bars offer one of the most easygoing atmospheres. However, this also means you occasionally encounter unpleasant individuals, as being fun and being difficult might both be reasons why someone does not fit into a corporate environment.
On a related note, I recently joined a new gym that opened just a few blocks from my home. It is a Planet Fitness, and the membership fee is only $10 monthly, so I signed up. Their motto is “No Judgment.” They aim to be a place where people can exercise without worrying about the typical gym culture. The “No Judgment” signs remind me not to be judgmental, but it is challenging. I find myself judging people frequently.
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I am improving over time. Is it because we are learning to understand situations before jumping to conclusions? For instance, I still quickly assess someone’s fitness, but then I remind myself that I should not do that. This leads me to view people as characters in a movie, where you get a rough sense of who they are. For example, I was walking to the gym this evening when I passed a woman wearing Chanel sunglasses in an open-top convertible Porsche. She appeared to be in her mid-forties, slender, and heavily made-up. My initial judgment was, “This woman is likely a handful,” which is probably not inaccurate. We always place people within some context, don’t we?
Jacobsen: Do you think it’s fair first to understand someone and then form a judgment, or is it more appropriate to seek understanding without judgment?
Rosner: One observes and attempts to understand people without necessarily judging them. For instance, with the lady in the Porsche, it seemed there was a reasonable chance she might not be someone I’d want to interact with if I encountered her. However, that’s not a certainty. She could be someone who enjoys nice things without making everyone around her miserable.
Alternatively, there’s a non-zero chance that she does make those around her miserable. But you can think that without necessarily judging her as a person. Some people who make others miserable are, in the aggregate, good people. They may exhibit unpleasant behaviour while pursuing significant achievements. Not all such individuals are terrible in the grand scheme of things.
I get discouraged sometimes. You have yet to see me, but I’m quite white-haired. I look rather old, though I don’t feel old. I exercise regularly so I don’t feel physically debilitated. However, I’m sure I come across as old, which only affects me a little in my daily interactions since most interactions involve waiting for people to finish using gym equipment or simply checking in at the gym.
It may have something to do with your gym interactions. People get more easily annoyed than they used to when I ask how many more sets they have left on a machine. I initially thought it was due to a general erosion of gym etiquette and people not knowing how to behave.
Jacobsen: Is it partly that?
Rosner: Well, it’s certainly partly that. And in a few encounters, I’ve also sensed a bit of a “screw you, old man” attitude.
But now that I think about it, some people react negatively because they see me as an old, odd-looking guy. Even though I’m perfectly polite, most people react reasonably well, though not always. A response I’ve had to train myself not to be frustrated by is when you approach someone sitting on their phone, occupying a machine, and you ask how many more sets they have, and they reply with, “Oh, two.” They’re perfectly polite, not trying to be rude. But instead of doing a set, they go back to using their phone for another three minutes before doing a set, as if it’s completely normal to sit there. So, it is about something other than me looking old.
Jacobsen: It’s just the way people behave nowadays. But you don’t look like Gandalf the White; you look more like Saruman the White, with some areas still dark. It’s not gray; it’s a mix of dark and white.
Rosner: Carol once saw a photo of me and said I looked like a ghost. She bought me some Just For Men, but I need to use it more actively.
Jacobsen: Oh my, are you planning to use it?
Rosner: Well, I had boxes of that stuff in the past. About 20 years ago, we went on a cruise when I started getting some gray in my beard. I had a box of Just For Men that lasted for years because I used it sparingly. You don’t want to do a full Just For Men job on yourself because it looks fake, and you end up looking creepy. I used to put a little on a toothbrush I wouldn’t use for my teeth again and brush a bit into the beard in certain spots. The idea wasn’t to completely turn the beard from gray back to black but to make the still-black areas a bit larger and perhaps darker. It would only roll back the age of my beard by about three years.
So I used to do that, and no one ever noticed because it was subtle. I can figure out how to do it again. You can’t roll all the gray away because you’d look ridiculous, but I could reduce it by a third.
Rosner: I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
Jacobsen: Thank you.
Rick Rosner, American Comedy Writer, www.rickrosner.org
Scott Douglas Jacobsen, Independent Journalist, www.in-sightpublishing.com
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