Ask A Genius 1040: Ball Shots
Author(s): Rick Rosner and Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): Ask A Genius
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2024/07/28
Rick Rosner, American Comedy Writer, www.rickrosner.org
Scott Douglas Jacobsen, Independent Journalist, www.in-sightpublishing.com
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: What’s the worst you’ve ever been hit in the nuts? Hitting the nuts?
Rick Rosner: If I had to pinpoint it, it was probably in elementary school. Judy hit me in the nuts. I didn’t get along with Judy in 4th and 5th grade. She may have kicked me in the nuts. She’s a 64-year-old lady now and probably wouldn’t kick me in the nuts if we met up at this point, but I never got hit super badly. I kicked Phili in the nuts badly.
Philip was a sad kid because his dad had died early. I remember him picking on me every day in elementary school as we walked home in the same direction. He was acting out because he had a sad family life, but that didn’t make it any better for me. This was around 1970, when I was about nine years old. Kung fu movies and maybe the TV show “Kung Fu” were popular. One day, he was messing with me on the playground, and I tried to kung fu him in the face with my foot. Not being athletically gifted and never having tried kung fu before, I missed badly. All the force I used trying to get my foot up to his face brought my leg between his legs with extreme force and smashed his balls. He went down and stayed down in terrible pain for 20 minutes.
It hurts when you get your balls smashed. I don’t remember getting in too much trouble. Troubles were different back then. These days, all sorts of parents are being brought in, probably a suspension or counselling. But back then, he just went down. That’s the worst ball-kick I’ve ever been a part of.
One time, I was working at the Harvest House, a hotel that contained Anthony’s Gardens, a 5-acre beer garden that sold thousands of drinks on the weekends. People didn’t stay in the hotel because the bar was so wild, creating chaos in the halls. Even though I worked in the bar, sometimes the chaos would spread, and they’d ask us to leave and deal with the chaos in the hotel halls. This was probably New Year’s when high school kids would get their parents to rent their rooms so they could tear them up. High school kids were running amok, and I tackled some kids in the halls. He reached back, grabbed my nuts, and squeezed. Before he could do damage, he realized I was security, not whoever he was brawling with. He was like, “Oh, dude, sorry.” I replied, “No problem. That’s the most action I’ve gotten in months.”
All right, another ball-involved incident. Having taken down Philip Crouch with a ball kick, I tried to do it again the next time we wrestled. Since I’m a spaz, I missed again, and this time, I smashed him in the nose. As he grew up, he turned into a pretty good dude. What about you? You worked around horses, right? No ball injuries except for overwork?
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Jacobsen: We had this new playground in grade 6 or 7 in elementary school. We were about to snowboard on a field trip to Mount Seymour, an amateur place for snowboarding and skateboarding. I was snowboarding by that point. I was walking up and down the high part of a slide on the playground, segmented into circles forming a tube. I fell and hit my nuts so hard I had to run to the bathroom and couldn’t breathe.
Rosner: Nature makes it hurt badly because all nature cares about is that you reproduce. The penalty for getting your balls hurt is severe in terms of pain because evolution has wired us to protect our balls, and the way we learn is that it hurts like wild if you hit them.
I have a tip for older men, especially those with big balls because of varicose veins. Your balls hang lower than they used to. It’s a standard joke that older men’s balls sag over time. Don’t sit on your balls as an older man because it’s easier to do when they’re saggier. Don’t wear old-school boxer shorts or anything that lets things dangle freely. You want something with support so you don’t sit on your balls because it hurts like hell. You can even lose a ball. It’s not unheard of to pop a ball by sitting on it.
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