Ask A Genius 932: The Truck Nuts of Jesus
Author(s): Rick Rosner and Scott Douglas Jacobsen
Publication (Outlet/Website): Ask A Genius
Publication Date (yyyy/mm/dd): 2024/06/05
[Recording Start]
Scott Douglas Jacobsen: What is your favourite item in your office?
Rick Rosner: I like the foot. I like the Jesus. I do not believe in Jesus. I am Jewish. I look to Jesus a lot and wish he would come back and rapture all the assholes in the world to Europa the ice moon of Jupiter. Europa has like a thick of layer of water-ice on it. You could build some very comfortable ice caves on Europa. It would be easy for Jesus in conjunction with God to excavate a bunch of ice caves. You put the ten thousand biggest assholes on Earth. You rapture them away from the rest of humanity to Europa. They can live comfortably. There is catering. There are all sorts of facilities. They just can’t spread their bullshit to people all the time. Then there’s a limbo. On the bubble, the rapture center for the next biggest 10,000 assholes on the moon. Those people can go either way. If they can persist in being assholes, they get set to Europa. If they show some reasonableness, and repent, somewhat, they can come back to Earth.
Jacobsen: What do you think Jesus got wrong?
Rosner: It is a similar question, but not that similar, to what the Constitution got wrong. The Constitution is almost 250 years old. The Constitution for sure got the Second Amendment wrong. Its lack of clarity allowed shitheads on the Supreme Court to misinterpret it. And it is from a time when you had to individually load muskets. You had to drop in the gun powder, tamp it down, drop in the ball, tamp it down. Even the fastest army man could only get off 2 or 3 shots a minute, so, compared to an AR15, you could let off 15, 20 shots in a second, especially if you have a bump stock. An AR15 is semi-auto, you have to keep pulling the trigger. Unless, you have a bump stock, which lets the recoil chamber a new bullet for you. Are they even legal, bump stocks? I don’t know. You’ve got the Second Amendment wrong, needed more clarification, and the Electoral College has turned out to be really bad for democracy. It gives asshole states way too much power. The assholes who run asshole states. So, going back to Jesus, a) we don’t know what Jesus really said, you are really asking, “What are the guys who wrote the Bible 300 years after Jesus and probably for years after getting wrong?” The King James Bible was the 1400s. So, what did the guys who wrote and rewrote the Bible get wrong? They wrote women out. They wrote in a ton of misogyny. Jesus isn’t known for being misogynist, but the opposite. What do you know about Jesus? Is Jesus being misogynist?
Jacobsen: He doesn’t make an explicit condemnation of slavery, necessarily. He has generalized niceties like the Golden Rule, which are nice, as we’ve talked about, approximations to a general ethical principle.
Rosner: In this novel that I am writing, there is old Jesus and there is real Jesus. Old Jesus is the nice Jesus with the long hair. In my future, a bunch of Evangelical rightwing churches have adopted a new Jesus, a jacked Jesus who doesn’t mind holding a gun. Maybe, he has cut his hair and real Jesus has… “real” is being used ironically. It is not being used non-ironically by these asshole Evangelicals. I am using it satirically.
Jacobsen: It is a good double irony because we don’t know Jesus’s real character.
Rosner: They call him “real Jesus” because he doesn’t have those faggy liberal constraints. Real Jesus isn’t afraid to punch back and punish the people who deserve punishing. The pedos and the libs and the immigrants coming over and poisoning the blood of America. So, towards the end of the book, we have fairly sophisticated robots. They are not conscious, but they are able to walk around. There are old Jesus robots that have been released with the approval of the Vatican. These robots are available to provide comfort to people. You can find them in and outside some churches. Not too be outdone, the Evangelical assholes have begun to commission real Jesus. The real Jesus’s will get in fights with the nice Jesus robots.
Jacobsen: It is the language in conservative circles about real men and real women.
Rosner: Yes, real Jesus is the truck nuts of Jesus.
Jacobsen: For those who don’t know, what are truck nuts?
Rosner: It is giant testicles made out of plastic. You hang them from the rear of your truck. So, your truck has testicles.
Jacobsen: [Laughing].
[Recording End]
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